Take a break.

Last 2 days was just too sweet. Life on the slow lane like I love it.

Back to Sitiawan without much notice was fun when it lasted. Surprising her is kind of an achievement, holding in my excitement like that for over a week.

Seeing things happening through the streets and everyday lives back here, it is quite lovely indeed to spend a weekend to refresh. I once lived that life, slow and easy, nothing to fight for, not much to rush for.

I always somehow glorify Sitiawan to a point where it sounds haven-like.

Spending time with someone you yearn for is always desirable. Maybe even kinda forbidden. I may be really lucky, or maybe really cursed.

I miss my time there. I'll skip the details. I'm lazy to express myself these days.

But I guess if a description for the trip is needed, then this is it:

I want more.

1 year ago.

Yesh, I've been all touchy and put to memory whirlwind by the recent post Jia Xun and Tiffany posted recently.

Just wanna recall some things we had done back in Bangkok, Thailand during the band competitions. 3rd September, drum battle where we got trashed like nobodies business, haha.

Remember the hot days, the new places, new faces, unfamiliar culture, the good, the bad. We met marchers like us, musicians, kids, teens, adults, ex-DCI members, pros, noobs. We had good food, bad food, spicy food, TOM YUM of course :P, cheap food, expensive food.

And of all, we won 2nd place as a team, the sweat, the tears.

Yeah indeed, I only got that one chance to live it. I would love to visit it again in my dreams.

Time flies, more performances and memories await, soon, this will become but a small chapter in my book.

August post.

First and foremost, Selamat Hari Raya Aidilfitri and Happy Independence day to all Malaysians around who reads my blog.

It's been a while since I flexed my writing muscles, my brain's working slower, my hands don't type as fast as they used to.

Checking back to the last time I posted, nearly a month ago. Many things did happen. College life isn't getting anywhere near easy, and the fact that someone dislike the word college sin't really helping.

Dear reader, answer this one question. How to define this feeling? Not having a house in a place you call home? Stranded? Lost? I am with my family, in a well-furnished house. I know many of my peers would call me lucky to be with family at my age, but... Why do I still feel home-sick?

Answers only to be left unanswered really. It's the balik-kampung season. But I'm going no where. Financial problems abound, and no one would believe me if I said so. But know one thing. Both my parents are retired, there is no income, we own no land, and the car is only spending up our money, not earning it. The bank is draining up, and nothing's going back in. School fees are already chipping a big hole in my family's wallet. So yes, it is that hard to find the heart to buy that expensive bus ticket to Sitiawan.

Being the worst drummer of my batch and practically the whole college isn't helping my esteem. A lot of work to be done, I really need that drum in my room soon, but Mr. Tan hasn't updated me on his orders for the Pearl drums. All I have with me now is just a pad to practice, and although my hand work can beat most of them there, it really is just gimmicks, I can't play a whole song without breaking halfway...

I need to just, wind down for today, I'll go drum for now, just rant my frustrations on a pad.

Good day to you.

Buy a drum?

If I come to realise one very wrong assumption I made by now before entering music college, it is this: Being a drummer and yet not owning a drum is not a big deal.

*Throws that thought away*

Shoot I can't believe I thought I was some gifted drummer that can improve with air drumming... I'm actually shouting at myself now:

GET A DRUM!

Thinking through several days, I decided I seriously need a drum over a practice pad. Considering the disadvantages of a practice pad (Unrealistic feel, no tuning, bad investment if I would actually want to get a drum later on...), and the disadvantages of a real drum (Occupies a lot of space, noisy, potential nuisance to our neighbours), it's really hard to decide at first.

But I came to this conclusion and solution: A real drum is still the best way to practice and a practical long term investment if I were to be a drummer. The solution is to get my neighbours agreement and understanding, on top of investing in drum mutes. The mutes are basically rubber pieces to be placed on top of the drum heads to muffle to vibration, but in turn, retains the tuning of the drum.

And now, where to buy it... One of my lecturer actually offered me a vintage drum set he wanted to rid of. Kind of attractive considering it was one of the top range drums during its prime years, and it is within my budget. BUT, 20 years old, so I guess its tuning probably went off.

So I called Mr. Tan :D. And well, I guess I came to my final choice. A new set of Pearl Forum series, coming by the end of the year. Looks like a decent kit, and it comes fully equiped.

Ah, a new set of toys. I feel like a kid again. XP

Strawberry Swing.

Dedicated to you, you who actually reads my blog... I never did uphold the importance of lyrics. But this song, it's all about the lyrics... But who am I to talk?


Strawberry Swing:
They were sitting
They were sitting under strawberry swing
Every moment was so precious

They were sitting
They were talking under strawberry swing
Everybody was for fighting
Wouldn't wanna waste a thing

Cold, cold water, bring me round
Now my feet won't touch the ground
Cold, cold water, what you say
When it's such, it's such a perfect day
Such a perfect day

I remember we were walking up to strawberry swing
I can't wait until the morning
Wouldn't wanna change a thing

People moving all the time
Inside a perfectly straight line
Don't you wanna just curve away?
When it's such, it's such a perfect day
It's such a perfect day

Now the sky could be blue I don't mind
Without you, it's a waste of time
Could be blue I don't mind
Without you, it's a waste of time
Could be blue, could be grey
Without you I'm just miles away
Could be blue I don't mind
Without you it's a waste of time

Lick Hung 6D/2005 Gathering @ Sunway Pyramid 30/7/2011

2 years without much activity or update from the group. Yet early this month, out of the blues someone suggested someone should organize a reunion. And so the call for such person brought about Jun Wei to handle the task voluntarily. Soon it was decided that we'd meet at Sunway on this faithful Saturday.

Ah, recalling that sweet meeting back 2 years ago, 6 years without contact, yet to meet again, nostalgia. Today, a small group of 7 (much like the one 2 years past) but mostly of whom I haven't met for 8 years since. There was the organiser herself, Jun Wei, Nicholas, Yong Hao, Kai Xian and Yi Wen. The names still ring in my head XD.

Waiting in front of Starbucks at the old wing at 12:30pm, I met up with Carl Lyn 1st, met her back 2 years ago, chatted a bit about studies and stuff, and then came the rest not long after. Sweet reunion~ Small group, yet it was fun to try and recall each other, how we looked like, how different we are, what are we doing and stuff like that.

We went to RedBox for karaoke as planned. English songs for the win! Sang a hearty number of songs that I actually knew! Rolling in the Deep~ Sang for 3 hours. @.@ And boy I vocal chords are strained.

After that, we went for some ice creams, and walked around randomly. Chatted on the way, talked about old time experiences, remembering the old time silliness of ourselves, good old immaturity. But me and the guys? We were talking about those good ol' table games we played during free period back in class.

Found a place to sit thanks to Carl Lyn, who dashed for the empty bench like a sprinter. People cheered for her when she reached it, haha. It was a funny moment indeed. And you know what cam after? DSLR-spam!

But yeah the day passed pretty quickly. We spent our remaining time at the main entrance, slowly seeing one by one go off. I was a kid, a young boy in blue pants ad white shirt. Looking at us now, we're mostly in college pursuing one dream or another. 3 engineers in the making, another doing arts and design. Yeah, times flies.

Looking forward to the next meet, expected to be this year end, and of course, the photos from just now. :x

Missing life back home.

It's like a limbo, stuck in between the warmth of home and the coldness of a strange environment. Call it a fish out of water. Ever since moving back to Subang Jaya, I feel at home. But I don't feel complete. Yes I've lived here most of my life up to this point, but I can't say I like it here.

It all goes back to Sitiawan. I miss that place, my abode for 5 years. You may say I can't complain compared to my other friends who are away from their family, living in the city by themselves for further studies. But come holidays, they have a place back in Sitiawan to return to... Not I...

It feels dislocating, and painful all the same. My house back in Taman Intan is no more...

No where to return to... To the place I once called home... Ironic isn't it?

Grinding.

That nice feeling of practicing for an hour, grinding with the drum, getting your muscles loosen and relaxed after the work out.

Yeah I did another round of self-training again today. I felt good, it feels like I'm improving XD> Overconfident much yeah? 1 day then talk about improving, hahahaha.

But yeah, building up my leg muscles day by day... Rudiments? Maintaining on a drum pad... I need a new drum set. I was thinking of Pearl's Rhythm Traveler. Cheapest n the list, and it's portable, sweet. Read the reviews, and apparently it was pretty good. Wonder if Mr. Tan got sell. :x

My old primary school classmates having a re-union on the 30th. Looking forward to it, really wanna catch up with those guys.

Nothing much to write these days. I wonder... Where hath my chatty went? O_o

Clocks.

Remember those times where I always told my juniors, nay, nagged my juniors on the importance of groove, playing at the flow of the music, putting an edge, that oomph into our playing as a drummer... Guess what? I am being told the EXACT SAME things right now by my private instructor...

That pride of me still there... I should tear it down by now. It's hard to admit you're the worst drummer in your batch. I couldn't even play a simple song such as that our lecturer gave us in our performance lab class... "Clocks" by Coldplay, so happen to be my recent favourite band. But I guess I'll put effort, learn through the days...

Another day, another song I learn... By the end of the year, I think my playlist will expand to a point where it reaches 600-700, which is 2x my current playlist.

Wish me luck.

Drumming from a different angle.

I was a marcher, a marching drummer... High tension snares, quad and quint toms, multi tone bass drums, flashy cymbals... Those were my stuff.

Kick drums, floor toms, hi-low toms, crash and rides. These are my new stuffs... I'm beginning to respect those set-drummers more now, something I used to NOT do... I used to think it's pretty cheap an instrument... I was so wrong...

I think I'm really falling in love with the drum kit, it's potential, the grooves and moves... I want to really learn it properly, make it my thing.

I was a minimalist, a rhythm rider, striving in moody and minimal music... Now I strive through jazz, blues and lounge...

Yes, jazz and blues use to be the genre I really ignored and disliked... But that was because I knew little of it... Now I'm seeing the extremely wide coverage of the genre in music... I see now I actually like jazz...

So last Friday's performance seminar. I managed to witness really good performances. In particular, I really liked this particular song...
"Painter song"

Playing the blues.

Had performance lab studies yesterday. 1st thing we learned is the blues note. And yeah well , our homework? Research on blues, wikipedia and youtube...

What is blues?

Blues is life, blues is when you have no money, you don't have the things you want, you worry... Blues is what you feel and you play blues like you speak to a friend about your worries...

Yeah there I have it, blues... A rather gloomy yet popular aspect of music I daresay?

Private instruction lessons, I found my practice rudiments to work on... I'll need a drum pad and some serious drumming work out to begin with now.

Sunday Morning by Maroon 5... Not an easy song man... I don't think I'll be able to play it by the end of the week.

Lord have mercy...

Routine typical 2011.

Into the period of the regular grinding and all. So, updates have been coming from me (and for that matter, everyone else) REALLY slowly...

After finishing Legend of Zelda: Twilight Princess, I suddenly have nothing much to keep myself too occupied. Anyway, it was a superb game, I recommend to those who have Wii or Gamecube, go get the game, impossible to not enjoy... And it will definitely get you curious on the world of Zelda, it's a really nice game series, second only to the Warcraft fictional universe in my opinion.

College life started, and boy I can feel the pressure already... Humility, I need it... I need to learn fast... Everyone here is so much more better than me... I can barely do my drumming right. I do hope I can do well in theory.

Besih 2.0. I know who to vote in 5 years time. You all should know about the thing if you're Malaysian.

And so, I enter my routine typical period of life again.

ICOM - The experience.

Woke up at 5:50am... Had to follow my dad to send my sister to school this morning. So soon after that, headed to Taman Paramount at Petaling Jaya to catch the LRT. Yeah, it's gonna be a habit, public transport through the city everyday at 7:15am...

Arriving at Sentul, which is about 15 minutes walk away from my college, I went to the McD outlet just in front of the school. Since it was still 8am, and the placement test only starts at 9:15am. Had a Milo and a hash brown, then took out my theory notes to study last minute. Before long, there were 2 other students sitting at the table next to mine... How did I know? They talked about intervals, notes, cadences, scales. And true enough they were enrolling today, like me. One is a Portuguese, and he was helping his friend, a Japanese, in theory... I would come to know the 2 of them later in the day, The Portuguese is a guitarist, and the Japanese a drummer o.O and by the looks, a really really good one.

So as you might have already guessed by now, the school is really on an international stage... Because once I entered the college doors, I see... Every skin colour I could imagine. Took the test English, and I dare say was decently simple enough for me. By the time I was done, it was lunch break.

Socialised a bit, and went out to eat mamak food with another 3 odd company. A Korean, a Sarawakian and a Singaporean... The Korean was doing vocals while the other 2 were guitarist (A lot of guitarist around the school), and yeah, got to know them a bit better.

Head back the college at 12pm, waiting to take the theory test. While waiting, we went into the recital hall. Some of them took out their guitars and started playing around... THEY WERE AWESOME! The Korean guy sounded great with his voice!!@#$ And he could play the guitar, which he only learnt for like 5 months, as he said... He's better than me, I already played for 2 years... T.T The Sarawakian did some gig on his guitar, and he was like... Playing with one hand? @.@

Shit I have no idea what I got myself into... But oh well, theory starts, and I took up the paper... Hohoho, lucky me, it's within my capacity. Finishing it at 2pm, I came out of the hall to socialise further. Apparently many of them weren't too confident with their theory (lucky me, now I don't feel so inferior). But oh well, can't be too sure. Got to know a guy from Subang, nice guy, same age, he's gonna do vocals. But he plays a lot of instruments apparently. Also met this guy from Switzerland, doing piano... Planning to be a film scorer, nice~

But one thing though... Nearly everyone I got to know was going for the Berklee transfer programme... Even me. So that's the key attraction, cause it saves up to 60% of the initial fees required by doing 2 years of study here locally, and only starting off Berklee by the 3rd year.

My live audition's tomorrow, and I have no idea how I will fare... I didn't practice... >.< But oh well, Lord have mercy, I may make it through.

College life? I find it intimidating... But I also find it intriguing. Hoping for the best in tomorrow, and years to come.

Death - Greatest statement of a man.

Death lingers, we all know that. But how often are we appreciative that we aren't otherwise? Rarely. We know too often that many seek it, and only for reasons sane to them.

Death in this world has taken many form, many sayings. But for everyone, it is their last, final true statement to those alive...

How you lived your live, how important you were to people, or otherwise... Can be seen the day at your deathbed... A miser, a fool, Ebenezer Scrooge nearly died alone, on that cold grave stone he was to be laid to rest for a damned eternity. A star, a misunderstood man, the late Michael Jackson celebrated his death with nearly all of the world's nations... Both made a statement, but the latter is usually desired.

Statement... We can rarely make a strong one these days. The world is after all already too saturated with opinions and views... No one really wants to hear the point of another.

But death is probably the only time one can be heard... No need for a note, not need for biographies... People will naturally know that statement. It's the statement of your life... In death.

We all die. The goal isn't to live forever, the goal is to create something that will. - Chuck Palahniuk.

Radical workplace experiences.

So now I'm working at this traditional Chinese instrument shop "Tun Huang Music School", a well-established centre offering lessons in the fine arts and culture of Chinese instruments.

My idea was this, it's still music right? It can't be any different, I'm sure I can take it head-on. After all office boy jobs doesn't need too much critical thinking right?

I banged my head super hard on the corporate wall on the 1st day of the job... 1st thing, I found out my job was not an office boy, but instead I got myself into an apprentice position... And instead of doing petty stuff around the office, I was to follow the master around to TEACH! Teach an instrument I only practice for 1 day... =_=

The dulcimer, or in Chinese, the 扬琴... Good thing I have a percussive background, and I pretty much manage to pick up the technique in minutes... Then the master told me I'll be fine teaching school children.

What??? Okay, sweet... Now I need to re-activate my think-tank... Teaching is not easy... Teaching primary school? Oh no...

And you know what? It turned out to be my old school... LICK HUNG! But man they have a freaking BIG Chinese Orchestra compared to most secondary school. Yes, I didn't type wrong, secondary school. It's like, they have 120+ members. @.@

Now the hard part about teaching is that, instead of the standard western notation, I have to switch to the numbered-notation... Not used to it... And an instrument of which I'm not familiar with... That's tough...

The master is also one hard to get used to... He's a nice guy, really... But like many kinds of artistic person, he is... Eccentric. =3= And we have different approaches to teaching... Very different... He's the soft tai-chi style go slow with the students flow type... I'm the hard-headed in-your-face military boot camp style teaching...

Oh well... Apprentice... It's not easy to be one. But oh well, another week then school starts... By then I think I'll just work for 4 hours a week...

Education, work, driving.

So how things fall into place since coming back to Subang Jaya? Okay, I'm so free nowadays I rarely update my blog any more... But I'm back, after a week.

Of the progress on my decision for my further education, I've applied, and official accepted into ICOM, pursuing my much wanted prospective career in music with a music degree. Class starts on the 4th July, that leaves me 2 week of free time...

Until I got offered a part-time job~ Tun Huang Music School, huhuhuhuhu, my cup of tea indeed. free-lance, helping the boss run around and do petty stuff, teach a little. This school is Chinese-based, so it's er-hu and la-pa and pi-li-pa-la I'm facing... =_= Dunno if I can actually blend in with my western-influence...

2 weeks full time, and probably weekend part-times when I start school... How nice. Least my hands won't grow hard.

And that bring us to the driving... In Subang Jaya... I simply myself. I got a headache just driving one round to fetch my sister... Blood rush to the head... Stress... AHHHHH

So well, things to become, or to come... No idea... Head too pain to think at the moment.

Coming home.

I used to write faster and come up with things to write when the music plays... It feels different now, I seem to need silence to write nowadays...

Shifting back to Putra Heights, this abode of mine that I left for nearly 7 years... Just only last week have I moved in finally to this place. But it doesn't feel like home yet, I guess I was away too long, nor did I actually ever felt myself here in the first place...

If I never did shifted out of here, I can imagine the me that's still quiet and not willing to come out of his invisible shell...

Shifting always changes a person... Even up till now, I can feel the change that comes from this shift...

Thinking back and counting, this home of mine is already 9 years old... But to be frank, I barely lived 3 years here.

Coming home, but not feeling home... It's a hard feeling to describe... I left my heart back in Sitiawan, placed in her hands to keep... I left my mind in Sitiawan, sitting in the band room of Nan Hwa... I left my bike in Sitiawan, parked in the porch of my friend's house. I left Sitiawan, but Sitiawan has yet to leave me...

I long for many things... But it's going to be a long time before I can satisfy such longing.

I'm home, yet I feel the need to go home still... Wait for me.

Gadgets a-many.

Just the 4 days before, my 2nd sister passed me her previous phone, a Sony Ericsson Aino, which was barely a year in used. She switched to the iPhone bandwagon, thus the hand-me-downs ritual~

Well I'm definitely happy, but that also comes with a burden. As all gadgets, the bane of maintenance comes with it... So yeah, I'm already the electronic freak... Yet I have so many things in my wish-list.

And now since my uncle from the US is back, it's like Santa Clause to me and my younger sister~

And ever since the last trip, it's turning from chocolates and candy to gadgets and electronics...

And even until now, I still pretty much am in disbelief that I own an iPod touch... Yes I just received it just now as a gift from my uncle!

WEEEEE~~~~

New toy for the big boy, wuahahaha, and my sister's finally gonna have the satisfaction of owning my previous iPod, something she's been eyeing since the day I got it. So, oh well, all's well ends well.

And that's not the end of it apparently... My cousin sister (my uncle's daughter) told me there's more to come tonight...

I feel like a kid again! >w<

Don't mean to brag, but oh well, I won't be bringing them out of the house often anyway... I think. :x

And off I go~

I Failed.

Chilly this morning, just the way I like it. Woke up at 6:30am this morning to because I had to retrieve something from school urgently. And after that, it's the usual wait for the driving institute's driver to come pick me up to go to the institute... Only this time, it wasn't for lessons, but the real deal, the test...

Call me a wee bit nervous yet, I try to boast a little confidence (maybe even over-confidence) to ease myself. Seeing a huge crowd of people who were also sitting the test, made me feel anxious... And I didn't know why. About half the people who were there this morning were actually sitting through a re-take.

Zhi Yin was also there. We chatted a bit, talking about our past driving endeavors, and how nervous we were... She was waiting to sit the car test as well.

Soon, I registered and went to the waiting area for the "Parking" section of the test. Somehow, I felt a little more relaxed in this part, cause it's in a controlled environment, and as long as I follow the book, nothing could go wrong. My turn came, and I took on the vehicle. Going through those obstacles was a bit nerve wrecking when I did, but I managed to pull through. Perfect scores, how nice, so I passed.

Coming back to the registration waiting area, I had to wait another round, this time, it was the road test, where I actually have to face real-life road conditions... Zhi Yin went off with her parking test soon enough. And after about 45 minutes later, she came back, telling me she had pass.

But I was still waiting...

Another 15 minutes or so, it came to me, my turn to take on the road. Went through the checking procedure, reversed, and off I go onto the road. I felt a little more confident actually, after warming up with the parking. Going to route "B", it was my favorite, since I personally find it easy to take on. Everything went smoothly...

Until I reached the school. When I turned in the junction leading to the road next to the school, there was a huge bunch of students walking in the middle of the road, obstructing me to go on further. Thinking that since the right side of the lane was clear, I steered my way around the students who were still slacking away, and off I go. I thought nothing of it, and the rest of the journey was smooth enough.

When I reached back the centre, I was a wee bit dumbfounded that I failed... The examiner explained to me that in the condition I faced just now, I could've brake and stop, allowing the students to fully clear the way before moving again, and by overtaking them, it killed my score and immediately voided me of a pass...

Great, now I miss being a student, king of the road, always right and never wrong in an accident as long as in uniform...

Going home, a bit disappointed, but still hopeful all the same. My next attempt would be the next Friday, I should be a bit more alert by then.

Arrived home, Zhi Yin texted me that she passed, in a way I'm green with envy, but then I'm also happy for her, she needn't go through what I went through. Congratulations to her.

Driving test? Failed... Forever? No, just once, mark my words. ;)

In a pot.

Well so to say the things that happened recently... Connection is bad, which is the reason why I feel demotivated from posting anyway.

So 1st things 1st, half of my audition pieces is completed, just one song to go.

Driving? Next week Wednesday is the test. Wish me luck.

I have a sudden impulse to buy myself a new guitar lately... A Yamaha F310 Acoustic body, steel string model to be exact. And the strangest part is, my mum's WILLING to buy it. @.@ Now I feel bad all of a sudden, maybe I should go for a cheaper model...

So I guess that's all I can write for now... Limited ideas and inspiration lately.

Till then~

Seeing.

Observational qualities, the gift of analysing a situation given to oneself before taking the leap, the ability to determine the conditions of a being by their movements and habits without needing much time to know them, the habit of taking into account the changes around oneself. Through the whole day today, somehow that's the message I've been receiving by providence.

To come this point I do realise I lack the quality of observation. Skin-deep understanding, I must admit, ruled me these few years. I tend to look at the things present only above surfaces of a present condition.

But alas I think with an opposing view now. Indeed the need for analysing is graver than I expected, moving into reality.

What can I achieve now? What can I do? Learn from mistakes.

And to conclude that indeed, I should start taking into account, the things that happen around me.

May fly.

So I'm moving into the 5th month since graduating from high school. What can I say now?

Preparing my audition materials... Again another rush job by me... Gotta get it done by the end of the month... ICOM auditions are actually on the 7th of May. But I'm going for the alternate method...

VIDEO AUDITION

I wonder though... Who will be wiling to lend me their video camera to me?...

Driving is... Going smoothly so far, I can only hope to be better in the coming rounds.

So my prediction? May will fly like nobody's business. Yeah, and I'll be leaving Sitiawan for good soon.

May come flying, every year.

Sinful me.

Warning: Religious content.

They say a drastic title is needed sometimes, because with it simplifies the story...

I usually do not write about spirituality because I find myself lacking in knowledge of it...

But with that rash title I had selected, I go on with myself then...

Lust, Idolatry... The 2 deadly sins I am facing... It is simple if you want to understand it simple...
1) I lust.
2)I'm losing my attention toward The Lord...

I tend to take for granted Grace. Men had always taken it too lightly... Sin, then repent. Sin, then repent.

Have I since taken so lightly the cruel death that Christ Jesus had to put up with? Taken for granted that Grace is just like a fruit tree... I pluck it any time I want to...

Indeed, it is hard to live a Christian... I sin and sin and sin... And yet I still embrace it...

I'm starting to think of this post a small prayer of mine... I find it easier to write out thoughts than say it out...

It's always that eternal conflict between earthly dwellings and the search for true oneness with The Lord... Only achievable through Faith... Is mere faith alone enough? Or there is an actual biblical definition of faith that in fact most men fail to follow?

Doubts linger... I succumb to earthly pursuits day by day... I feel the presence of the Holy Spirit fumble inside me day by day... Have not already my heart turned hard, as like the way-side soil, infertile for growth?...

I can only pray for guidance...

Lord have mercy... Amen...

Decisions and determinations.

Back to Putra Heights for now. What did I do today? Went to ICOM for one more inquiry session. Clarified the audition procedures, and application period. So I can say I am pretty relieved for now.

So the audition can be done live or I can opt. to send in a demo tape of me playing. Drum sets, not really my prime, but for Malaysia that's the only outlet for a percussionist in a formal education of music.

Songs I intend to audition with? 3 is required, I only thought of 2. "Young Man Y.M.C.A." and "Goodbye My Love". 3rd song, still undecided.

Deadline is mid-of-June, hopefully I can make it.

So here's my commitment in black and white. I will finish this 3 songs by the end of May and will have them ready for filming by start of June.

A reply to a letter that will never come.

Remind me how many times did I put you in disappointment again? Saying sorry is easy, but to mean it is hard... What does it take to mean it? I take that it means that change should come after the apology...

I may never see that letter of yours come. You burnt it anyway, and regrettably even I think I don't deserve to read that letter. I did intend this reply to be an apology, but would you take it anyway?

I never liked the cold wars between us, thankfully in the past it never did lasted too long anyway. But this time, it feels like you're distancing further and further.

Somehow, among us two, it's you who always have the situations where you get the right to be angry. I envy that sometimes.

Sad? I doubt I deserve to be. Trying to make you feel bad with this reply? Actually deep down in me, I want to... I'm weak of spirit sometimes. I lack initiative, I'm sorry. I already apologized for that many times, not only to you, but to many people. Then again, you'd probably not want to listen.

Nobody said it was easy, but no one ever said it would be this hard. Nevertheless if it takes a burnt letter to save the string between us from burning, so be it. If it doesn't, well I can't do anything.

I know you won't leave, not that easily. If a small matter like this will, I can't say anything, again. Yes avoidance, that's what we all do... Yet you seem to momentarily not taking my presence as existing.

So what's my point in this reply? To say I'm sorry? Partly. I'm not giving up on improving, so that you know. Give me time, and all I ask for is your patience... And then you come texting me when I'm about to finish this letter. "Sweet~"? Yes, sweet indeed.

What do you want from me? I can only keep guessing.

Monday blues in the middle of April.

Driving lessons tomorrow again. Monday blues still affect me even after my schooling days.

Driving? Just like most limb-coordination motor-skills, I pick up really, really slow... I think I gave the instructor last Saturday nightmares.

Just came back from the movies. "Source Code". Nothing too impressive, but for entertainment, it's good, and decent plot satisfying most sci-fi fans.

I don't feel like driving la tomorrow... >< >< ><

But I have to go through this someday.

Looking for an answer... Yet I'm still sitting here alone, waiting for the rabbit to bang its head on a tree so I can get a free meal... Aimless as ever. Hope my next trip back to KL can settle most things...

April come hallucinations.

Running around town, spending time, using up money... I think I'm giving people impressions that I'm living a prodigal life...

Yes, apart from learning to drive, I have absolutely no other valid reasons I should be in Sitiawan... But I felt the need to be here anyway... I'm escaping reality, I want a holiday! I admit. I can't bare facing my home without a solid answer to my future. My heart? Still stuck at band...

Decisions so far? Music performer (drums), piano tuner, audio and sound engineer.

Right, so yes at least I have a list to myself...

But I still keep having hallucinations of myself failing in life... So here right now I wanna slap myself awake by reminding myself the promises of yesteryear...

Failure is the mother of all success, you promised yourself results aren't important; Determination, creativity, perseverance, will power... That was what I promised myself... To have them and proceed with my dreams. Keep it simple...

A shoulder to cry on.

Maybe being a musician wasn't that suited for me after all. Maybe my illusion of an aspiring musician all this years, was nothing but dreams that are too sweet to exist...

Well, I'm at the peak of my dilemma now. Having so many people telling me all the things to consider before making the leap, I only see more and more things that I lack, that I can't seem to achieve...

I think about technical field of music... Yes, the back-up plan... Can never go wrong right? Well, dignity and pride overrides me... I feel, lousy, if I end up just pursuing it for the sake of a job...

Called mum just now, yes even a guy my age needs his mum to talk to. Shared my problems again, insecurities... Separation, makes the heart grow fonder, indeed...

And I felt better. Well everybody needs a shoulder to cry on sometimes.

I worry about my future, my credibility, and my standings in the society, partly because of me, partly because of my family. But also another part would be you... How can I afford to be in love, when I can't even afford to feed myself? Well, maybe our parents can laugh at our relationship now, thinking it cute and part of growing, but when the time comes, I'll be facing questions on how worthy I am to have you beside me... But it is MY worry, you're not the reason, don't blame yourself. Just felt you needed to know... - to my significant other.

Undang test.

Ok, so today I went to the undang test, given that I took 2 weeks with ample of time to prepare, anyone would expect me to score a perfect 50 over 50.

But in truth, I only started studying last night... Rushing to finish the 500 question book, I stopped at 400 because it was too late... -_-

So this morning, one of my institute's drive fetched me to the MyEG centre behind "I DO" bridal studio... And when he dropped me there, he told me I gotta find my own way back. I was like, "What the HECK??"

Went in, registered... Yes I was nervous. It took me about 20 minutes to finish, kind of long compared to many of my friends. With about 10+ unsure answers, I was so freaking worried I'd fail... Took a deep breath, clicked the "Semak Jawapan" button...

"LULUS"

Woooooooohooooooo!!!!!! Yeah baby, 46 out of 50, not a bad score. But the officers told me their system is having error today, so I can only get my license and certificate tomorrow...

SO here I am, gonna drive soon. Wish me luck on the clutch controls, the notorious clutch and hil test... ><

Of the Soul.

When discussing about the matter of the afterlife, different people give different response. Forming perceptions on death is a staggering topic often tabooed and shun upon by many. Some of the mildly religious will scorn and frown upon its mention, while holy men beat their chest with confidence where they are going.

With the current society we live in today where freedom of choice and expression reign, mankind has given up on the significance of religion. With hectic schedules and multiple deadlines to meet every second, the last thing on an average man's mind would be death. This phenomenon comes from the notion that there is nothing too consequential in the life after death. On the basis of science, theories of our origin based on scientific method have stand up and contradicted every living religion there is today. In the past the only hints available to men are the holy books, of origin we all debate until today.

Why then, with the basis of science to disprove the very root of religion, that many still fight till death to stay in their beliefs? With the theory of evolution shaking the very foundations of Judaism, Christianity and Islam, the 3 largest religions in the world, Why man commit their trust unto seemingly untrue beliefs?

By a strand of faith. A weak argument yes, an unexplainable feeling. It's not insanity, it's not dumbness, nor is it gullibility. But come when you understand that soul of yours, it'll make you want to grow closer to that religion, and stay faithful. Why? I can't answer.

Into April this year.

Okay, this post will basically be dedicated to my personal list of to-dos this month of April. But I found my previous list-out style of to-dos rather uninteresting after going back at them few days ago, so I'll do it by paragraphs this time around.

As my personal tradition goes, April is suppose to be the month I go be bald again. But this time, I'm already bald, so I don't have to trim. XD

And for 2008 and 2009, it is the English Drama period. This year, it is my wish to go and watch my school team try and grab the title once again. Sri Tan and Benjamin are participating, with trumpeting as part of it, should be interesting. Ms Lim will be using her initial 2010 script of Cinderella with a twist, probably her most elaborate work yet. Too bad I couldn't act it since 2010 canceled the drama competition, I got the lead role... -_- Well, all the best to them.

I also intend to finish two thirds of my driving lessons by the end of the month, given the time here I have.

I also intend to record 2 out of the 3 audition videos I need for signing up in ICOM... I'll be focusing on set-drumming, 3 songs in my mind. YMCA, Goodbye My Love and maybe Malaguena.

Yup, the things that need doing for the month of April.

March of fools.

Last day of March 2011. Which leads to April fools'.

Once again, I think of malice and mayhem that I want to do. Each year gets better and better, muahahaha~!

I'm already thinking of something. Something really juicy. Orange juice! With a twist that is (pardon the pun).

Maybe I'll do ye olde practical jokes, that will never get old. XD

And so as I move into the months fools, I just hope I don't get stuck there. So far I believe for the school goers, this month will be the peak of boredom. Good luck!

Jumping between lines.

So there I was jumping between lines, going forth, rocking back...

It was a whirlwind ride. Something that felt so right, and then so wrong again.

One moment came the fun, the next moment came the consequences.

Sure the lines are really thin, really fine, I could easily step between the two.

And if either side had a colour, one is black, the other grey?

Yes I really enjoyed the black, since the other was grey anyway, why bother? Both are corrupted anyway.

NO! Wrong is wrong, even when a little right is there, it helps...

Well... Temptation still abounds...

Don't try to understand this post, you will very likely fail to digest it down.

Stuffed to the nines at Sunway.

It's a loooooooong time since I felt that full, filled to the brim, the edge, all walls expanded in my stomach.

Met up with Justin last night in Sunway Pyramid. Scouting for food as usual, looking around and all. At first we thought we'd get some nice pizzas at Papa John's, but somehow it changed to seafood at maybe Manhattan Fish Market. But we saw Bubba Gump was around town so we switched. BUT, we eventually settled for an Italian pasta restaurant which I fail to remember the name... But it was decided by 2 flip of a coin...

The meal was lovely, the pasta was really really good (maybe because I rarely have pasta). The menu had only 2 pages of food. Call me being used to the typical Malaysian fusion cafes where their menus span to over 10 pages of seemingly elaborate food, so I was a wee bit uneasy with selecting from the list. I eventually settled for carbonara, and shared a tomato veggie soup and pizza with him.

Well, as long as the food's good, nothing else needs saying XD. After a brief walk around the mall scouting for Starbucks, we finally found it. Sat down for coffee, and soon we discussed about... What else? Band, its members and all (and a bit about college girls too)... Well, we're guys right, not to mention we both are yellow?

FlyFM had a competition finale right outside the orange atrium last night, so we went and had a look when we passed by. It's basically a lucky draw based competition with 200 initial participants. Names were drawn and they had to pick a key and try to open the door on stage. After an hour later, with 20 participants left, the door finally opened...

A Malay dude won (he nearly walked away from it, had the key-master not check), and he proposed to his girlfriend there and then. Prize money? RM60,000, and he intends to use it for a shopping spree, while Justin kept insisting he should have selected paying the house down-payment 1st.

With that done, it was already about 10pm plus. Headed back to Justin's place, waited for my dad to pick me up. So we watched some American Idol videos... Adam Lambert is beast! And soon I was home.

Back home, stuffed and unable to sleep that soon, went and Skyped someone, and since, she's been talking more. But...

I didn't just played her with words did I? Last night's conversation felt so, forbidden...

Late night thoughts.

It's midnight. If you count morning as later, then band practices are later. Thinking at this time of the day, is a very intriguing feeling.

Well, 3rd day in a row she fell asleep while texting. Must be tiring for her this few days. Hmmm, loneliness still fill the room I sleep in. And I think to myself, how long will this go on. I'm still young, too young... Doubts linger, every time, every night.

Yeah, life goes on, band goes on. Qing Ming period, so later's band attendance should be rather dull...

It's late, lest I want to be without energy later, off I go.

The visitor.

A day after the SPM results unveiling... Leaves much to be desired...

Well now I know my results and all, but I don't know where to go...

SO today I went to Intan Kopitiam, my ex-neighbourhood coffee shop for breakfast, then to Cosplay for a quick gaming session with Joshua... To say the least, it's for old time's sake...

Then went home... Green Green asked me to invite Rachel and her mum over for laksa. WHY ME???

Well since she asked, I invite...

3:00pm, knock on the door. I went and open... O_O She was right there in front of me.

SO yeah, showed my room and its untidiness to her... Spot check or surprise visit?...

Right then, a quick chat, and hand shake? o_O Then she's off. So now I'm here writting... -_-

School later, not too sure what I'd do with the sectionals. Benjamin probably gonna force me to help him teach Joey again. What ever it be, I guess it's better then staying home...

And I'm away~

SPM results

Woke up at 7:30am with a sweaty palm... NO, I was not anxious about the results, I'm afraid I would be late for the McDonalds Big Breakfast coupon offer. XD

So me, Jia Xun and Siew Wei went to McDonalds for the big breakfast offer this morning, just to make sure our stomachs are filled before going to get our results. RM5 spent and you get 2 big breakfast set!

So we went to school t about 9:40am. Siew Wei was a wee bit nervous, so as Jia Xun. I was also a bit, but I daresay I'm more composed than them. :x

10am and the school was filled with all the 2010 alumni. We were 1st given our graduation cert... I didn't get mine!!! I failed Chinese during form 5...

Well then came the main event... What the heck only 1 teacher is giving out the exam results... So it was a long line...

Waiting, waiting, waiting... My turn... Signed...

2A, 2B, 3C, 1D, 1E, 1G... That my friends, is what I learned in kindergarten, ABCDE...

Hmmm, I failed Chinese... And nearly got an A for Physics, instead I got B+... But apart from this 2 subjects, I'm pretty much happy with what I gotten.

SO I'd say thank goodness I pass most of the subjects and that I can finally proceed with a clearer picture on my future pursuits.

Bringing back military into the band?

Well if some of you noticed, I'm very obviously starting to use National Service training techniques in the band...

I personally don't intend to glorify or flaunt my NS experience but because I honestly believe that in a way some of their training techniques are effective, thus my want to try it out on the band.

Well if you think it is not suitable, hear my points 1st...

This IS after all a military band, its roots stem from the army system of bringing up disciplined members. Going through NS sort of knocked in some knowledge of how real military trains. In a way it relates to our current command system, footwork and all. Thus I'm just sort of trying to go back to roots, it is after all tradition?

I know maybe you'll not get used to more shouting from me, but well, see if I can work a little to get you all to be serious in line like we used to in the past... Main concern are the younger group...

SO yeah, do support, I'm not angry or trying to be angry, I just want a little shocker and lots of co-operation.

Taking on... THE WORLD.

In 2 days time, SPM results will be out. The thought of it scares some, some don't give a damn, some already predicted their results...

Well no matter what results you end up with, you'll continue life with moving on into independence...

So as I make my steps toward braving the world, I changed my blog theme, weee~ XD

But yeah, the world ain't pretty. I got a taste of it in NS, what type of people I'll meet and all.

And so, here I hath cometh!

Volatile is the word.

How are things going in life... I ask myself this every time I try to blog a post. It's been like this recently...

Leaving camp for a week to taste reality wasn't smooth sailing. I could only say that mentality is key to survival in this harsh world...

Trauma out of truth hurts deep and leaves big wounds... I have to say I'm starting to find my feet cold and heart lonesome. Call it a pity party for myself, something I never will have thought of doing 17 years past.

Alas conversations can run volatile. You always leave me wondering what is your true emotion and state when we talk... What is going through your head, I wonder, since you have yet to reply.

Where is life heading for me? I don't have the heart to read through undang, I don't have the heart to find my soul, I don't have the heart to look for a job, heck I don't have a heart to work out my future!

Insanity creeping in... Idleness is a killer... I need instructions, for I lack initiative. I knew of it since camp, and challenged myself to change. Who knew it would be so hard??

Words, can only describe so much of my plight... Somehow everyone has to get through this period in life...

I only dread, for one time in my life, that I'm not with family, believing that now I need them most... I yield in thoughts... Alas, alas...

Self-discovery.

Opening a new chapter in life isn't easy, but I need to move on anyway. Doubts come, fears come, stress comes...

Coming back National Service was small milestone for me. Now I will be spending the next 3 months or so in Sitiawan.

Many of you will question my decision. Let me explain, that the 1st of my priorities is getting my driver's license, which would be many times tougher if done in KL.

Then there's the self-discovery...

After 17 years thinking that I know myself very well, I start to doubt that confidence for one time in my life, that is now... Music, it wasn't always music that I wanted, only recently that I became serious about pursuing in this field.

But I don't feel good enough, I don't feel that I can do it, I doubt, I lose my confidence every time someone ask me just what makes me think that I can handle this career. Performance art isn't easy, and I've yet to reach that standard.

Then there's a technical field in music. I was thinking of finding a job working for Mr. Tan, that was my ideal working field for the next 3 months, hat is IF Mr. Tan has a job to offer... So that's another blur...

There is also my relationship... It's hard to describe this feeling, I'm looking for something and I thought I found it in my partner. Yet I feel a bit dislocated every time we're together, I don't feel myself yet. Love her? Yes. You sure? Yes. What makes you love her? Speechless... I do feel it, yes, but I'm searching for the purpose, that burning passion. So that's another reason I stay.

Self discovery... Leave me in my thoughts then, I'll search my soul and check my purpose.

National Service CNY break, the report.

Soooo. National Service, NS in short. How has that 1 month been?

1st week.
Most boring week. You eat 6 meals a day and the time in between, you sleep. The timetable for that week is something like this:
7:30am Breakfast
10:30am Morning Tea
12:30pm Lunch
4:30pm Evening tea
6:30pm Dinner
10:30 Supper
Everything in between is free time, or rather sleep time. You may ask why all the free time? This is because, during the 1st week, trainees from different places will come and register on different days throughout the week. I'm part of the very "lucky" group of trainees who made it to camp on the very 1st day, and had to endure the remaining empty days...

I was designated to the squadron "Fulchrum" named after our country's Royal Air Force's still in service Mig 29 jet fighter. The other squadrons were "Black Hawk", "Sukhoi" and "Hornet", all named after servicing aircrafts to the Royal Air Force. Our Camp Commandant is a Major of the Air Force, some of our trainers are from TUDM, most are from the army. Now what's unique about this camp is that they don't follow the standard naming of the companies, instead their called squadrons here. "Alpha", "Bravo", "Charlie" and "Delta" dominate the other camps throughout Malaysia, but not this one. Yay for Kem White Resort!

2nd week.
Introduced to the "roll calls", the time when the squads gather in the hall and the leaders take head count of the members in the squad. 1st time doing this, everyone was in a mess. No lines were formed, no sign of basic discipline, no hope for the leaders to take control. It was chaotic... Until we all got it from the instructors... ><>

So when we finally learned the basic roll call procedures, we moved on to learn that there were 5 roll calls a day, that's a lot... The hardest roll call is the morning roll call, at 6:30am, not in the hall, but on the marching field. You're supposed to be in line in attention mode, not flinching nor moving, all when you're half asleep. Right after that, the singing of the national anthem, the NS song, taking the national oath and a brief morning prayer for the Muslims. After all that, it's morning physical training...

We were also introduced to character building classes. I actually enjoyed the lessons, their very good compared to your average moral and civic classes combined, by a tenfold leap to be exact, it's that good. Classes were held in the morning.

Now the hard part was at 2:30pm, when the sun was all out in its glory, we trainees have our basic marching classes in half uniform... No sun block, no long sleeves (for guys), no excuse for not doing (until you faint). March and march until 4:30pm, tea time.

For Wednesdays and Thursdays, it's religious classes at night. I dunno about the Muslims, but for us Chinese, it's 2 choices, Buddhist or Christian (sorry free thinkers, you must pick one). Well happy me, Christian classes are all games and song worship. As for the Buddhist, meditation and moral classes.

So after all this, it's 10:30pm time for supper. After supper, it's the final roll call, and after that, it's national anthem, NS song and night prayer for the Muslims. And we get to go back to dorm at 11pm.. After cleaning up and tidying the dorms, it'd be 11;30pm, that's when we get to sleep.

3rd week.
As we got used to 5 hours of sleep a day, I found out that my squadron is one of the most disorganized bunch... Apparently for this year, the batches' trainees aren't determined by academic achievements anymore. That explains why there is the presence of the social misconduct group in the camp. My squadron happens to home quite a big number of this group of people...

After a series of misadventures with the group, having nearly lose an instructor to another squadron, pissing off nearly all the squadron advisers and having nearly the whole group, even girls alienated... We settled it finally with a finger pointing session. Although it showed the animosity between the members, it in a way settled the differences, cause after that, it was the mass forgiving session!

4th week.
after a tiring 2 weeks of physical and mental trainings, I fell sick, we all fell sick. It's hard to write out everything that's happened in camp. Well at least for the final week, it was really hard to describe. Many things did happened.

Our squad got poorest conduct in the final week, we got last. After putting up with us for 3 weeks being nice and friendly, our instructors did what they call "tukar chanel" or simple switch channel. You lose for the week, then you pay for it. 60 push ups at one go, on a tar road, ouch.

Nevertheless, Chinese New Year was around the corner, so everyone's spirit was still up and running.

And since coming back home, I have never felt so thankful before. So I'll be going Sitiawan tomorrow, it's that time of the year to bai nian again! And going back to camp, I'm expecting it to be harder still, because that's when it really becomes physical and tiring.

Genting trip, new year and 2011 possibilities.

Genting Trip

Genting trip is one thing to remember, at least for me. Waking up early and all excited about it.

And so we went up to the mountain, and outdoor park 1st. I insisted we take the most intense ride as a start, lest it becomes more and more harder to take it when we become shaken by the less a aggressive ones.

And then we were shaken awake by it.

Evening, spent time knowing Rachel better... By drinking coffee and keeping quiet...

And it came, dinner. I rather not mention, really awkward. But somehow I didn't had my usual appetite. Was it because I'm already content, that my stomach is also affected? Amazing.

And we strolled around the highland grounds, enjoying the view, as I enjoyed the company. I like walking around by my own actually, I just don't really get the chance to do so. Cameron Highlands was nice to stroll around actually, speaking of which I noticed I like the highlands.

But having a hand to hold while walking around, looking at nothing, but thinking about many things. I do that too, but I was trying concentrate on feeling your touch.

I don't mind staying out in the cold weather, and believe or not, I enjoy it. But it was a wee bit too cold that night. So I had to snatch some one's jacket... I more importantly I enjoyed the company, I really do.

But it rained and we had to head back. Spent time with the form 5 bunch, and we thought we'd gather at Hui Bao's room, but we decided to take a 1/2 hour rest before going. But before we knew it, the half hour became the whole night...

The next day was routine, almost predictable. Shopping, spend money, eat. Still, it was worthwhile with you.

And the return journey. Nope I never expected you'd bob your head on my shoulder. But then you did, and nope, it's wasn't heavy, I actually felt warmth. O_O Yikes... But it was a first, that feeling of electrical spasm throughout your body. Hug me? Try me.

And so to conclude, the Genting trip was almost exclusively spent with you. But that's how I had expected it to be. :)

New Year eve

I was told first of all that Huah Jiunn has been scouted by Yoi to join Siamyth as a baritonist, with no need for an audition. Huah Jiunn really wants to go, but he wants company. And of all people they think of, they figured I would most likely be the one able to join him along. I'm seriously considering about it, may want to join in as cymbalist, meanwhile learning some battery and pit skills.

Then we move back to new year eve. I'll make it simple: "When the girl in your arms, is the girl in your heart, then you have everything."

Yeah, spent time with Rachel again, only this time, Marina is more crowded, much much more crowded. And I guess I just placed my arm over her a few times throughout? Major electrical spasms within me again.

But yeah, happy new-year, happy 2011, happy to be with you.

And National service will come soon. This blog will be inactive for 3 months. Goodbye for now.