Robbery
It's always a dreadful feeling, getting news of a loved one getting hurt. My mum was robbed yesterday, someone snatched her bag, and she took a fall. Thankfully her wounds aren't severe, a little shaken was she, but I don't doubt she'll weather through it soon enough. Good thing too that my father and sister were with her soon after the incident.
The news did make me realise how unprepared I was in receiving it. My heart sank, thoughts about how removed I am from the situation just made me frustrated. My mum was hurt, and I can't be there for her...
This time she got out fine for the most part, but what if something happens next time? It's a terrible thought, but sobering all the same, realising that I'm so far away from family right now, all I can do is hope that nothing worse happens from now, not at least until I get to see them again... Alas.
...
Rainy Thursday
The best way to get me moody? Let it rain.
I hate the rain. There aren't a lot of things in this world that elicits that word from me. Yet, I hate the rain.
Ironic, since I was raised in the tropics, a rain-forest country. But, I still hate the rain.
To top it off, there exists a period of time where I tolerated the rain, even thought it charming, for the sake of someone I once held dear, since she adored the rain. Well, she left me. So need I say more about the fact that I hate the rain evermore so? Well, I hate the rain.
Now that we've established my passionate disdain to the little droplets in the sky, allow me to report that it has been raining the whole day. Here... In the desert... Where it's suppose to be dry and arid... Not to mention hot? Don't even get me started on the cold temperatures, spring is long overdue yet we're still stuck with winter chills.
Alas.
...
Pensive thoughts
I suppose the combination of the above few occurrences, paired with a rather lukewarm service at BP earlier today, has made me rather pensive again.
Slow service, yet I made so many small mistakes here and there. I'm starting to feel the inadequacy again, the same feeling I had when I was working back in the studio.
Am I being overly sensitive? Insecure? Or am I genuinely incompetent? Either reasons are equally unpleasant.
I've been ruminating on her again, at least indirectly. This whole endeavour coming here to the US to study, can sometimes be an overwhelming thought. Did I make the wise choice by coming here? Was it impulse? Much that I'd like to pin the blame on my past lover for a decision I made, it's not that simple, nor is it any fair to think like that.
Yet, there exist this mild resentment I guess, this slight curiosity in my mind where I imagine an alternate reality where I never left home.
Would I have been happier had I stayed? I'm actually not sure. Come to think of it, I wouldn't have been happy either way. Though not incurring a debt would've been nice, then again, I'd have probably felt stagnated in life back home.
Huge risk, huge pay-off I guess. Might as well find a reason to be happy now. Wish me luck.
...
A Batu Pahat boy's brave journey
There was a boy from Batu Pahat. His family wasn't wealthy, but they got by decently enough. He grew up with a lofty aspiration towards the start of his life as a young adult, right around the 80's. He wanted to study in the U.S..
His family opposed, they couldn't possibly afford the endeavour. He took a leap of faith, he promised that he'll manage by pulling his own bootstraps.
And so he went, to a town in Utah to begin his journey. Studying as a foreign student in the heart of the U.S. was already a challenge in those days. But the young man needed to do more if wanted to continue his study, he began waiting at a restaurant.
Gruelling hours, difficult tasks, high expectations, yet menial wages. Nevertheless, he began to thrive, outperforming all his colleagues. 8 plates on one hand, 3 cups on the other, he was an efficient machine during the peak hours. Even during down time, he eventually became one of the fastest wrapper of dumplings.
While all that was happening, his home life was anything but glamorous. Outings for dinner were minimal, and while I'm not entirely sure, I would wager that he sacrificed much in his own social life. Even meals at home were bare basics. A loaf of bread nearing expiry to last most weeks, with nothing but a bottle of chilli sauce as his spread. He did all these things without uttering a word to his family regarding the hardship, for fear of worrying them, and it went on that way till his graduation.
This is the story of my current boss' brother. I'm here retelling his tale because I wanted to ruminate on the implications and parallels to my own experiences.
Suffice to say, his story made me feel like I'm not doing enough to strive for excellence. I came here with generally favourable conditions, I have relatives here, a safety net in terms of financing, and even a loan. He came over here with nothing but his will...
Am I doing enough? I'm not sure...
...
Kind gestures
To end this seemingly gloomy entry, I suppose I'd like to highlight two recent cheerier occurrences.
For one, an elderly couple that I had the pleasure to be acquainted with at English Corner offered to treat me to the musical "Wicked" that is coming up in April. I've been meaning to save up for the show, and I briefly mentioned about it to them in some of our past conversations. Needless to say I am pleasantly surprised by the gesture.
For another, I was chosen as the member of the month for the Music Therapy Students Organization. Again, it's something I didn't expect, but I guess a small acknowledgement from them does help lift my spirits of late.
I guess that's it for this week's entry. Until then.
Thursday, February 28, 2019
Tuesday, February 19, 2019
Postings from ASU's Music Library.
A continuation of my collection of individual narratives from the past week or so. I suspect this will be a regular format I'll use from now on.
...
Parental wounds
Ever heard of attachment theory? It posits that the upbringing of an individual can be significant in shaping their adult experiences and the way they behave. Sure, people intuitively know that to be true, but far too often, they don't spend the time to address the small issues until it's too late, and their behaviour becomes destructive.
I contemplate my own upbringing. It wasn't particularly traumatic by any stretch of the imagination, and I find that my parental relations are, for the most part, in a healthy place.
With that said, I am now living with my uncle and aunt, and they are very much functioning as my adoptive parents, since I'm not fully independent as of now, relying on their generosity in hosting me while I conduct my studies in the US.
The dynamic between myself and them is an interesting one to say the least. With my uncle, it's actually not bad at all. It's my interaction with my aunt that does give rise to a sense of anxiety.
It's not particularly bad, but it's just there, a little bit more work to navigate through, that's all. I suppose I'll elaborate in my next narrative chunk.
...
When your mum is your aunt
You may think the title refers to my current situation. Well, in a way it is an indirect reference, but I'm actually thinking more about the (now probably archaic) Chinese family habit of raising one's children to refer to themselves not as parent, but as uncle and aunt.
Apparently the purpose of this practice is to create a deliberate distance between child and parent, the rationale behind being that many Chinese families in the past see affection and attachment as an impractical aspect to the family dynamic, where duty and hierarchy are more important. Of course, by our modern understanding of parenthood, this could be seen as quite counter-intuitive, and somewhat cruel.
Personally, I'm not quite on board with said approach, yet it is what it is, and it had its place in a world that was recovering from WWII. Thankfully nowadays, most families don't practice this anymore, but the remnants of said habit is still present in the older generation.
In fact, the whole reason why I thought about it is because the lady owner of the Malaysian restaurant that I'm currently helping out still refers to her mum as aunt. Actually, my father and his siblings used to refer to my grandma as their aunt as well, and it only changed in recent years when my grandma mellowed down and decided to connect with her kids on a more emotional level.
...
Mild tensions
On a somewhat related note, my aunt whom I'm currently staying with also came from a family that did the above. And to my limited understanding, her relationship with her own mother is lukewarm at best.
I guess that's why I'm feeling a bit of tension between myself and her. Here's the thing, I don't doubt that she has the best intentions, yet there were several instances where I felt put down, at least in the spur of the moment, and needing to put in the work to ruminate and try to understand why my aunt does what she does.
To elaborate, she can be quite nit-picky about the way I do things, and many times, the plans, the ideas I have, whatever I put on the table to discuss over dinner, is often met with critical questions and suggestions laced with a hint of condescension.
Now here's the thing. I understand the intention, I understand that it is a result of her own upbringing, and with some effort, I appreciate it. But all the same, it requires effort to internalise and understand that this is her way of expressing her concern, affection even.
Nonetheless, in the spur of the moment when it happens, it can feel quite disconcerting. And frankly, it can weigh down on me during bad days, and sometimes it triggers my shame, which I am recently realising is the main area of my struggle in terms of parental wounding, of which the details I've yet to properly hash out yet. I guess in due time, I will find a way to navigate this.
...
Phoenix Zoo
I guess to segue this post, I want to write about some totally unrelated happenings to all the previous posts, more or less of a lighter nature.
I went to the zoo the past weekend, and it was fun a refreshing to say the least. I went with ASU English Corner, with the people I've been meeting for the past few months, and getting to have interesting conversations with them.
...
Redeeming service
And after the fact, I went on to finish the day at the Malaysian restaurant, helping out the evening service. After last week's unsavoury experience, it was kind of nice to finish the evening strong with not too many complains or hiccups.
Being a little self-critical in saying this, but I thought it wasn't a very busy evening. With that said, the fact that I managed it well did still nurse a bit of the shame from last week's blunder.
If I may end on a rumination, I wonder how fair am I being towards myself. I messed up one table last week, but am I ignoring all the other tables that enjoyed my service? I ask this question with full of doubt, because it is all too easy to be dismissive towards my good performance, and just be utterly consumed by that one mistake. Seems like I can only be satisfied if I get through the evening without even a single issue, preferably if it were a busy evening.
Signs of being an unhealthy perfectionist? Perhaps.
...
Sk8er Boy?
Too Zongxu, trying to learn how to ride a skateboard. Who would've thought?
As it is, I got myself a used longboard, supposedly one of the easier variant among skateboard types for a beginner to learn.
Hoping to use it eventually in my campus commute, given the distance I seem to be covering on average. A bicycle would be too bulky, and a kick scooter would be a little pricey.
Not to mention I lucked out on this longboard, got it at a pretty cheap price, and it turns out the board model itself is a pretty popular one, regularly being recommended for beginners, at least according to the skateboarding online community.
First ride over the weekend wasn't easy. I knew to expect that it will take some time to acquire the skills to ride one of these, but what I didn't expect is how physically demanding it can get just to stay balanced, I could feel my core muscles becoming sore by the end of the practice ride. Ah well, hopefully I won't take too long to get the basics down and start using it.
...
Parental wounds
Ever heard of attachment theory? It posits that the upbringing of an individual can be significant in shaping their adult experiences and the way they behave. Sure, people intuitively know that to be true, but far too often, they don't spend the time to address the small issues until it's too late, and their behaviour becomes destructive.
I contemplate my own upbringing. It wasn't particularly traumatic by any stretch of the imagination, and I find that my parental relations are, for the most part, in a healthy place.
With that said, I am now living with my uncle and aunt, and they are very much functioning as my adoptive parents, since I'm not fully independent as of now, relying on their generosity in hosting me while I conduct my studies in the US.
The dynamic between myself and them is an interesting one to say the least. With my uncle, it's actually not bad at all. It's my interaction with my aunt that does give rise to a sense of anxiety.
It's not particularly bad, but it's just there, a little bit more work to navigate through, that's all. I suppose I'll elaborate in my next narrative chunk.
...
When your mum is your aunt
You may think the title refers to my current situation. Well, in a way it is an indirect reference, but I'm actually thinking more about the (now probably archaic) Chinese family habit of raising one's children to refer to themselves not as parent, but as uncle and aunt.
Apparently the purpose of this practice is to create a deliberate distance between child and parent, the rationale behind being that many Chinese families in the past see affection and attachment as an impractical aspect to the family dynamic, where duty and hierarchy are more important. Of course, by our modern understanding of parenthood, this could be seen as quite counter-intuitive, and somewhat cruel.
Personally, I'm not quite on board with said approach, yet it is what it is, and it had its place in a world that was recovering from WWII. Thankfully nowadays, most families don't practice this anymore, but the remnants of said habit is still present in the older generation.
In fact, the whole reason why I thought about it is because the lady owner of the Malaysian restaurant that I'm currently helping out still refers to her mum as aunt. Actually, my father and his siblings used to refer to my grandma as their aunt as well, and it only changed in recent years when my grandma mellowed down and decided to connect with her kids on a more emotional level.
...
Mild tensions
On a somewhat related note, my aunt whom I'm currently staying with also came from a family that did the above. And to my limited understanding, her relationship with her own mother is lukewarm at best.
I guess that's why I'm feeling a bit of tension between myself and her. Here's the thing, I don't doubt that she has the best intentions, yet there were several instances where I felt put down, at least in the spur of the moment, and needing to put in the work to ruminate and try to understand why my aunt does what she does.
To elaborate, she can be quite nit-picky about the way I do things, and many times, the plans, the ideas I have, whatever I put on the table to discuss over dinner, is often met with critical questions and suggestions laced with a hint of condescension.
Now here's the thing. I understand the intention, I understand that it is a result of her own upbringing, and with some effort, I appreciate it. But all the same, it requires effort to internalise and understand that this is her way of expressing her concern, affection even.
Nonetheless, in the spur of the moment when it happens, it can feel quite disconcerting. And frankly, it can weigh down on me during bad days, and sometimes it triggers my shame, which I am recently realising is the main area of my struggle in terms of parental wounding, of which the details I've yet to properly hash out yet. I guess in due time, I will find a way to navigate this.
...
Phoenix Zoo
I guess to segue this post, I want to write about some totally unrelated happenings to all the previous posts, more or less of a lighter nature.
I went to the zoo the past weekend, and it was fun a refreshing to say the least. I went with ASU English Corner, with the people I've been meeting for the past few months, and getting to have interesting conversations with them.
...
Redeeming service
And after the fact, I went on to finish the day at the Malaysian restaurant, helping out the evening service. After last week's unsavoury experience, it was kind of nice to finish the evening strong with not too many complains or hiccups.
Being a little self-critical in saying this, but I thought it wasn't a very busy evening. With that said, the fact that I managed it well did still nurse a bit of the shame from last week's blunder.
If I may end on a rumination, I wonder how fair am I being towards myself. I messed up one table last week, but am I ignoring all the other tables that enjoyed my service? I ask this question with full of doubt, because it is all too easy to be dismissive towards my good performance, and just be utterly consumed by that one mistake. Seems like I can only be satisfied if I get through the evening without even a single issue, preferably if it were a busy evening.
Signs of being an unhealthy perfectionist? Perhaps.
...
Sk8er Boy?
Too Zongxu, trying to learn how to ride a skateboard. Who would've thought?
As it is, I got myself a used longboard, supposedly one of the easier variant among skateboard types for a beginner to learn.
Hoping to use it eventually in my campus commute, given the distance I seem to be covering on average. A bicycle would be too bulky, and a kick scooter would be a little pricey.
Not to mention I lucked out on this longboard, got it at a pretty cheap price, and it turns out the board model itself is a pretty popular one, regularly being recommended for beginners, at least according to the skateboarding online community.
First ride over the weekend wasn't easy. I knew to expect that it will take some time to acquire the skills to ride one of these, but what I didn't expect is how physically demanding it can get just to stay balanced, I could feel my core muscles becoming sore by the end of the practice ride. Ah well, hopefully I won't take too long to get the basics down and start using it.
Friday, February 15, 2019
Valentines Haiku.
Well who would've thought that having an English composition class session dedicated to valentines day would happen to me? Ah well, we're suppose to prepare something, so I thought I'd try my hand in some haiku.
Poetry's not my strength,
words and rhymes are such a chore.
Please cheer my attempt.
'Tis Valentine's day,
chocolates, kisses, and couples.
All lovely things, you'd say.
Not for me at all,
I would prefer a buffet,
where the fee is small.
I may go solo,
But buffet's still a good choice,
even for a duo.
Hear me out on this,
picture yourselves at the date,
happy, full of bliss.
But also famished,
that's when your love leans in close.
You'd think for a kiss
A peck on your lips?
Alas, you' have been deceived!
They wanted your chips.
But rejoice my friends,
For this is an all-you-can-eat!
Munch-on till the end.
So, my toast to thee,
To the couples, do have fun.
To the rest, I'm free.
Poetry's not my strength,
words and rhymes are such a chore.
Please cheer my attempt.
'Tis Valentine's day,
chocolates, kisses, and couples.
All lovely things, you'd say.
Not for me at all,
I would prefer a buffet,
where the fee is small.
I may go solo,
But buffet's still a good choice,
even for a duo.
Hear me out on this,
picture yourselves at the date,
happy, full of bliss.
But also famished,
that's when your love leans in close.
You'd think for a kiss
A peck on your lips?
Alas, you' have been deceived!
They wanted your chips.
But rejoice my friends,
For this is an all-you-can-eat!
Munch-on till the end.
So, my toast to thee,
To the couples, do have fun.
To the rest, I'm free.
Sunday, February 10, 2019
One bad service, one angry table.
Dear no one,
How are you? Once again I seek your ever patient self to lend me an ear, hear out my troubles for the time being, since I have naught a person to shed my frustrations on.
One specific instruction, one caveat that was simple enough to understand. I was to make sure their meal was vegetarian.
Service was busy, we had a table of ten people occupy the centre of the restaurant at that time. That table put a choke hold in the kitchen cue.
Roti canai, and a vegetarian fried rice. What could go wrong?
Well, curry that came with the roti canai has chicken in it.
Stupid mistake. Amateur. Stupid...
Customer was pissed.
Long wait didn't help at all.
Customer became more pissed...
Should have asked the kitchen, double checked the contents... Should have warned them that the meal will take a while.... Should have kept them posted, be more apologetic, more transparent...
Ah well, I guess 'tis the rite of passage, helping out in hospitality and services.
Alas.
How are you? Once again I seek your ever patient self to lend me an ear, hear out my troubles for the time being, since I have naught a person to shed my frustrations on.
One specific instruction, one caveat that was simple enough to understand. I was to make sure their meal was vegetarian.
Service was busy, we had a table of ten people occupy the centre of the restaurant at that time. That table put a choke hold in the kitchen cue.
Roti canai, and a vegetarian fried rice. What could go wrong?
Well, curry that came with the roti canai has chicken in it.
Stupid mistake. Amateur. Stupid...
Customer was pissed.
Long wait didn't help at all.
Customer became more pissed...
Should have asked the kitchen, double checked the contents... Should have warned them that the meal will take a while.... Should have kept them posted, be more apologetic, more transparent...
Ah well, I guess 'tis the rite of passage, helping out in hospitality and services.
Alas.
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