Rear-view mirror to my year.

Definitely took a long break since my last post. It's the end of the year, and it's been quite a year indeed. I look back to the many fragmented events that happened, and I must say in all honesty, I preferred last year.

Why you may ask. I'm not sure myself. All I can say is the end of last year left me in hope and want. The end of this year left me unsure and doubtful. Unsure of my actions, doubtful of my future.

Academics? My 2nd half of the year was definitely better than my 1st half. Must be the transition from foundation to degree that caught me off guard. But I got the hang of it by the end of the year, came back with decent results, I'm part surprised.

Relationships? Broke up, that's all I got to say. Didn't work out, we were too different at the end of it. But being single has its perks.

My progress as a musician in general? Nothing much to say, so far only taking baby steps. Of course I can mention the HELP college concert that I helped in the middle of the year. But apart from that, it's been small open-mic gigs here and there, and a heavy workload of playing for people in college. But I do enjoy playing.

So what can I say? I only wish I was a little more restrained with many of my decisions. A lot of rash ones were made this year.

But apart from all this, I have dear December waiting for me regardless, and that I shall look forward to. Good day people.

Moving to the visual blog.

So I got a new phone, a Nokia Lumia 520. Pretty neat a device, the specifications pack quite the punch, especially given how low the price is.

Not so fortunately, the camera is actually really good for a budget phone, and that brought out the side of me that never did manifest before... I'm starting to take pictures of things I usually won't take.

So I've moved on to the photo blogging world. You can now find it @ http://toozgx.tumblr.com/

But I'm not giving up my blogspot yet. It's still going to be my primary word blog. In the mean time, lemme enjoy my probably short-lived camera frenzy.

In the shadow of a misconception.

There is this cloud lingering in my thoughts. I always found it a hindrance, this feeling that demands reciprocation when in reality it does nothing but pushes away further the thing of which it so desperately wants.

This shade of red I so greatly yearn, but then truly is it red, or is it a maroon? I have failed to see the latter as such. What right should I have then to judge when in truth I know not her colour?

Indeed, red is a beautiful colour. I see it fit I should understand the colour deeper. But a fool I am; despite already knowing the red is an illusion, and maroon may very well be a reality; that I still choose to paint this portrait of roses.

Joy is knowing maroon. But why do I keep seeing red?

Had you known my desperation I fear you will be alienated by me.

Melodies of one's passing.

I heard this song being played by a pair of seniors last Friday. They were the guest performers for the week, and it's been awhile since the duo had been on stage together. Eugene and Terry, our college's very own Antoine Dufour & Tommy Gauthier. I did not initially know what song they did, but I do know it was a really heart-warming song. I went home to search for it, and lo I found it:

As I've guessed, they did do a Antoine/Tommy number, and also found out that this version is actually a cover. The song was originally written by Don Ross, a Canadian finger-style player. He wrote this song in memory of his Aunt who passed away. Catherine was her name, and the song invokes a really charming and heartfelt impression of her. Sounded lovely when they played it last Friday, and now, the song is stuck in my head.

Tribute to Coldplay.

So yesterday, we paid tribute to the one and only Coldplay. A mini-concert so to speak, organised by an all-student team, it lasted for 1 and a half hours maybe? I had loads of fun, loads of emotional moments through the songs, because some of them remind me of a time I once had. Singing along was fun.

After months of planning and probably a year or so of envisioning the concert, Karen, one of the final year students in college (also a Coldplay nut like me, maybe even a bigger one) successfully organised and produced the show she wanted to do. The concert happened in the college recital hall, and the chairs were cleared away from the hall, it was an all-standing concert (rock concert ma). The band consisted of my fellow college-mates, and the production team were a band of volunteers. Weeks spent into brainstorming the décor and layout came into being last night.

Opening the concert with their new numbers, the show started off at a high point with Hurts like heaven and Charlie Brown. The Christmas lights and bright colours were mesmerising I must say (Probably because I'm part of décor team, I'm biased :P). Glad to say that the crowd were really sporting, singing along, dancing and really getting into the music. The band was tight, and the mix was good. Viva la Vida played, the bells struck, the strings going off. Clocks was good, and the Scientist brought my thoughts back to her a for moment, since the song made sense to my situation now. I really love Yellow, that was the high point of the show for me. Also, I came to like a song I didn't initially like, "In my place" :D. Violet Hill was dedicated to out college management, hahaha, and boy it was a killer rendition. Balloon party started with Lovers in Japan, and the show came to a close with Paradise.

Until the crowd grew restless and asked for an encore, because yes, we left the best for last. The crowd wants it, we'd love to do it. And we did, we wrapped it all up with Fix You. If I hadn't had any video shooting duty, I'd be in tears already, haha. It was a good show yes, although the confetti-clearing part was quite a pain, but fun nevertheless. Now all that's left is for Coldplay to actually come Malaysia and have a concert, I will be sure to be there.

The tribute band. Photo credits to my college-mate Louisa, taken from facebook

Postings from the 18th floor: 1 year anniversary.

Exactly 1 year ago, I posted for the 1st time from my condo in Titiwangsa. So much has happened in what seems to be a mere 365 days. Good things, odd things, bad things, all that and more.

The new semester in college has proven to be a bigger race than ever since coming back. The mounting pressure to balance between being a performer, an arranger and production personnel is beginning to take a toll on me, since Live Sound classes begin this semester. Unfortunately for me, the way my degree programme goes requires me to be good at all 3... Alas...

Things have become quite well though nevertheless, so much more music to work with, while ever needing to keep my cockiness in check. Yes I admit, I'm letting improvements get the better of me, but I despise those moments later when I begin to realise how my attitude might begin to irk people.

I did my 1st open-mic gig yesterday at The Bee in Publika yesterday with a few of my college mates and a friend from HELP. 2 songs, 1 prepared, the other improvised, but it turned out all not too bad, had quite a bit of fun back there.

But so far, I'm happy to get back to college. It's always better than having nothing to do over the holidays. I really do enjoy practising alone, still do, although I'm not exactly very disciplined with my practice methodology. Nevertheless, it has been good to be back.

All is well so far yes, although I have admit, there's just this lingering feeling like I scarred a friend of mine, by ways of words. Can I move on? Hopefully.

So, I will hope for good days ahead in this dull city. Till then.

I slipped.

To think of it, I had no good reasons to call other than the fact that I am confused the past few days.

It didn't help that I watched Les Miserables, nope, and it didn't help that I read Shingeki No Kyojin. Those 2 worked like a catalyst to my feelings.

I admit, I felt guilty that I have feelings so soon. I thought maybe by calling you and implying to you how things have become might just allow me to attain catharsis, maybe you'd move on and won't respond with any emotional retaliation to my thoughts.

But I guess that was just wishful thinking. Knowing you, you won't offer said support, knowing you, you won't hold back lashing out to me. And I don't question why, it's only normal that you feel that way, after all I am the bigger traitor in this picture.

Nevertheless, there's a small part of me wishing that I hadn't let my tongue slipped. The thought that maybe you not knowing so soon or at all; whether it would be a better choice; still lingers in my mind.

So tell me if you will, given that I can't change what's happening, would you rather have not known this instead?

Like old times.

Maybe it's just like old times, I stumble and fall.

I'd look for you, often I'd share with you my thoughts and desires, you liked not but you'd listen anyway.

Maybe I thought we'd move on, so I wasn't guarding my tongue, wasn't guarding my heart.

This time didn't felt that different... Guess that keeping it to myself isn't comfortable.

Maybe, I thought maybe... It was like old times?

Dull things so far.

It's been dull, there has been little to do. My mind wanders, my thoughts leave me stranded.

I can't wait until next week though, should be busier, because it's NATCOMP week, marching band all over again~

Also can't wait to get back to college. That place actually keeps my lameness in check. Now I'm like going full lame-berserk.

So, I guess I'll call it a day.

I guess I'll also have to mention that I am in love...

Kampar.

So last weekend I made a trip to Kampar in Perak. Since my friends can't come visit me, I'll go pay them a visit instead, haha.

Departing from KL Sentral, it was my 1st time on the ETS, the local version of a "bullet train", because it is "very fast". But to be fair, the train was on time, so it's still good.

Kampar, a town not too far off from Sitiawan, became the bustling town it is today ever since UTAR existed. You can definitely smell teen spirit here, the newer side of town is a college oriented town.

How so you may ask. Well here's one way to elaborate:

Once my friends came to pick me up and we ventured down town, I begin to notice a lot of the stores around cater for what's trending among our generation, specifically the Chinese group. Also, you go to what seems to be rows and rows of terrace houses, only to find out that once you've entered, it really looks more like condominiums from the inside.

So Friday evening, I reached to my destination, a 3-storey house within this grandly named area, Imperial. Went out to have dinner soon enough after checking into Jia Xun's little crib. So pasta for the 1st night, but what I enjoy is catching up with the bunch, this old gang of the 5 of us ex-classmates. As always, it felt like it was eternity the last time we met.

Saturday was the attraction, we went to Gua Tempurung, only about 10 minutes drive away from where we are. We departed in the morning and began our hike at around 10am. The hike took us through the enigmatic cave, that for the most part of my life I've only heard and never have been, until now. The climb upwards proof to be taxing on this unpractised body. But the fun part was when we had to travel back out through the streams within the cave. At some points we had to get down to all fours and let the water reach our necks. Quite the thrill given that all of us were badly equipped for the whole thing, having only 2 torch lights to share and all of us not even wearing shoes, haha. By the time we were done, it was already noon time. We headed out to Ipoh later to chill about and buy stuff. And the day passed so quickly, just when you begin to have fun.

Come Sunday morning and I had a invitation from Daniel whom I got to know from NS, and we met up for most of the morning for a chat and a follow-up. Easily a year and half since we met, so yeah, lots to say, yet to finish. Later in the afternoon we went to visit another friend across the street, Huey Pei. Although not that close back in high school, it's still nice to catch up with her. Unfortunately we took a little too long to chat, and I nearly missed the train back home, haha. Thankfully Shin Yun was a steady driver. Soon enough I was back home, and it all left me wanting more of it.

Reflecting on what just happened the past 2 days on the train back just made me realise how lonely sometimes I can be here in college, no one knows you like your own high school friends I guess. Also worth a mention is the food: it's good and CHEAP. In addition, the slow pacing of things there in Kampar relieved me of that constant pressure you get here in the Klang Valley. Once I arrived KL Sentral, I had the loneliest dinner in awhile... Not that I haven't had dinner by myself before, but it's just that, after days of having your heart so full and contented, only to have it removed so suddenly... Maybe you can call it a vacuum effect. I miss you guys in Kampar already...

Thought in the late of night.

I'm not one to enjoy the situation; In times like this I abstain.

Love is giving and lust is stealing; With little control I will be disdained.

One day I will receive resolution, known things I shall not taint.

As I taste the fruits of fasting, Joy is there for me to attain.

Watching the sun rise.

It's not the prettiest sunrise I've seen in my life, but it's definitely my 1st time seeing the brightening of the day in KL as far as I can recall; I practically didn't sleep for a night. So how did a dinner lead to this chit chat marathon?

We had dinner at Uncle Jang's, a Korean diner specialising on Dak Galbi, a spicy chicken noodle dish. Consider it a 2nd post-concert celebration for the HELP concert along as a farewell dinner for the keyboardist from Sarawak, our dear friend Ricky.

Now Ricky is from Miri, and when we 1st met, I found to my delight he was actually a tubist from Chung Hwa Marching Band, a fellow marcher :D. Since then we went along well, since we had a similar background and something in common to chat.

Sadly he had to leave here after completing his foundation, since he has a family business waiting for him, and he's staying put in Sarawak after this. So after the dinner, me and him and a few others chose to find a spot and just chat the night away, it was nice. He turns out to be a very interesting guy, full of stories. Consider it heart to heart, I can feel the sense of warmth in the night. This is the first time I stayed awake past 3am without feeling one bit sleepy.

I'm gonna miss that guy.

Most uneventful semseter break yet.

No really, I'm telling you I actually have more active semester breaks in the past.

Ok, cousins are over, we're out for more eats, there is something to do...

But really I want to go meet some old friends, go back to band for a meet up.

I also miss drumming... And it's only been one week.

Dreamt about playing the concert all over again last night. Talk about withdrawal syndrome.

Ah well, more food later. I shall put on weight.

Cherishing roots.

So what has come to be the past month? Basically exams and assessments spread out throughout the whole month. I had a generally good time for the most part of it, if you exclude of course my horribly-done ensemble class, no thanks of course to me for being unable to work under pressure. But if not, it has been really good.

Semester break started 2 days ago, and scumbag brain decided to be extremely inspired to practice when I have nowhere to practice. Watching Tommy Igoe's instructional DVD all over again brought new perspectives to grooving.

Nan Hwa won the recent national symphonic wind band competition. I just got to know Junt came back to help again; I thought our contact with him grew kind of stale. Quote him this time, 'Play with your heart'. I could use that reminder. I look back to where I came from, the military band, renown to be a very technique-based form of a musical ensemble. After turning to the contemporary side, sad to say I subconsciously forgotten my roots.

But then it really isn't that different now I realised. In the end, both suppose to come from the heart. I once again long for my band days...

Technique? I got obsessed with it ever since form 4. Maybe it's time to change perspective.

Routine not-so typical.

Many things are going to happen over the coming weekend and the week that follows. In fact, many unusual things had happened the past week as well. With elections over and all the dirty tricks that angered many, I saw quite a nice unity in the citizens.

My previously routine typical life has already shifted to this not so routine life. Just came home from Nero Fico after a gig by one of my lecturers, and boy was he a beast at the keyboards. Having Latte at night isn't such a good idea, it keeps my mind awake despite a badly weighed-down body, but the gig was really really nice.

Then tomorrow, there's my primary school classmate gathering and I'm quite excited. There's still a number I've yet to meet since 10 years old :D.

Come Sunday, then it'll be the MPO concert presenting music from Harry Potter, and I am going! Excited. :D

Then there's going to be a crazy busy week of practices and assignments. Can't wait to greet the adrenaline rush, and to get over it.

Life is turning out the way I partially imagined. It has been good, and I thank God for it all.

5 years ago

It wasn't too long ago that I recall. The 15 year-old  I was back then reluctantly heading home back to Subang, I was living in Sitiawan at that time.

It was the elections back in 2008, and I was far less interested in the happenings of the event. I knew that politics were a nasty sector to be in, and all men are greedy. That of course was my assumption back then. I had to follow my parents back because they wanted to vote, something they had never done in several years according to my mum. What compelled them to vote that year? I didn't know until I grew older, they saw the need to go back and vote, they sensed something different that year. True enough, they became part of a new step in our political scene, the elections that year saw an increase in the opposition seats being won.

Looking at the news happening around me now, spontaneous is the word to describe it at the very least. What are my views you can ask? Simple, a new government. Be it anything, so long as it's not the old BN, reason being that there has been far too many glaring cases of corruption and arrogance among their ranks in the past.

So I'm just hoping for best in the coming 5 years, that is:

-The yet-to-be fully independent EC gets a full reform to be absolutely independent. Evidently there has been a handicap in the polls today.

-The culprits of said events be brought to justice.

-The foreign ghost voters be dealt with ethically and without violence. I understand many of them haven't the slightest clue of the magnitude their actions had done.

-No violent outburst or riots or any form of provocation happening tomorrow.

-What happens the next few days will not divide us, but unite us as a stronger community of Malaysians.

Curious want.

Listening to Pink Floyd while I write this blog makes me feel kind of like taking a weird road trip to my emotions. I am currently writing with little to no consideration to my thoughts, rather I write just spilling emotions.

What's the feeling of this want? I guess I want to complete certain things in life, and to begin with, certain things by this Thursday, namely my P.I. exams and assignment submissions.

Ah, assignment this time is not so nice to me. Malaysian music history, nice to know, just not so nice when you need to research.

I always space out each time Time reaches its chorus. Probably my favourite piece from this whole tribute, I am now in want for more... And I'm not even playing. Some part of me is actually quite regretful for not auditioning this semester's tribute, truly it is one of te best I've seen...

I am in want... Yet I should not be in want...

"And then one day you find, ten years have got behind you."

 That is one of the most haunting set of lyrics that I've ever heard in my life... Because it's true... And it's happening...

Truly, I doubt I will get.

Helping HELP.

So I got myself into this small (Ok, not that small) gig recently. I'm gonna play drums for a HELP University concert somewhere in late May. The set-list? It mainly consist of pop and rock.

And today was our first meeting as a band, some from my college, some people from HELP, and we had some discussions on arrangements and roles in the band. Practices begin maybe next week, so yeah, late nights a-many.

There was this ex-senior from ICOM in the band as well, now studying in Aswara. Couldn't stop going on about how life changing it is for him since he went there instead of continuing ICOM. And he's not the 1st to tell me how great the guys from Aswara are musically. Call it tempting, but he himself is a testimony I guess. When he was in ICOM, he was not that impressive in his playing, but a quick look at him just now saw a more confident player with prowess I've not seen during my 1st semester. But ah well, I've become attached to ICOM.

So what else? I guess I can say I actually look forward to playing with them.

Recalling this old feeling.

I dislike the position I am in now actually. Familiar as it is, this feeling is one that I wish never occur to me again...

It mocks me, it strangles me, it breaks me and bounds me to the chains of ill thoughts... But I feel the slight delight in such bondage...

Strangely enough I am that masochist I never thought I would be.

Tribute to Classic Rock, that's our college's theme this semester for tribute. What am I doing this round? Video and media team. Duties start tomorrow and I can expect a roller coaster ride of a tribute this semester. And I become a little disappointed by this self-sought long working hours. I actually have a preference to burrow myself in that cramp room up the 3rd floor to do my drumming.

What am I trying to do? Flee and run away from the fact that I am not okay...

From what actually? I am confused as much as dismayed by my decision.

But it is done and decided.

Kiss the girl and make her cry.

It's not your situation, I just need contemplation over you. I'm not so systematic, it's just that I'm an addict  for your love. Just think how long I've known you, it's wrong for me to own you lock and key. It's really not confusing, I'm just the young illusion can't you see. - "Georgy Porgy" by Toto

Funny how events lead up to one another. You see, I've heard this song in the past and came to like it to an extent, then it passed me after some time. But then last Friday, I heard it once again, and it is kind of relevant to my situation.

Jalapeño, a band from my college participated in this battle of the bands competition, and Friday was the semi finals. Being the fellow course mates we are, the whole lot of us went to watch, and it really was a show to behold. I really enjoyed the set list, and the arrangements are joys to the ear. But among it all, Georgy Porgy struck me down the moment I heard it. In all that fun singing along with it, there came a bitter-sweet realisation that the song hauntingly fits into the situation I am going through.

I kissed a girl, and regrettably, I made her cry.

Delusional changes.

Have you ever let a single dream affect your opinions to drastic heights just overnight? I had such a dream... Consecutively for 2 nights, one reinforcing over the other... And well, it's a bad opinion a to say the least...

I just finished a busy day with running around in college after getting involved in a documentary by our "beloved" national broadcasting channel, RTM. In short, it's a programme about music schools in Malaysia, and I am featured in some way or another as the drummer for our college's representative band, featuring an original number by my fellow course-mate Syazmin, although it's re-arranged for our usage. Try catching me on TV yeah, I don't mind if you go and laugh at my awkward interviews, in the awesome Bahasa Melayu. B-)

But to set things aside, all that shooting the whole day has weigh down on me a bit, I am weary, but still blogging, because I feel bothered in some way... There is another round of shooting tomorrow, although I feel heavy in my chest. I want to hint, yet don't want to tell. I believe though, that not many of my old buddies still follow my blog...

Of course another reason for me to stay up so late to write is also in part due to my need to dry my hair... =_=

Why though does this happen? Flowers are short-lived after all right? You can say mine is beginning to wither too.

P.S. If you noticed by now, I changed much of my layout just today. Time to move on to a new phase, perhaps a renewed love for music. I welcome you to read my rhapsody of words.

Lamentations.

No, nothing related to the book from the scriptures. It's me being gradually weary of my task and commitments, all to college and bands... Of course, not to mention a straining, almost dead relationship that I have.

It's the middle of the night now, I'm suppose to wake up early tomorrow, at 7am. Just came home no more than a half hour ago, done recording and the likes with one of my course mate. Waiting for my hair to dry, so I decided that I want to lament, here in this old gold of a blog. I still yearn to revive it. I enjoy the feeling of solitude now, I guess you can say I am not ready for a commitment to another person. It's sad to say in a way, I need to learn from mistakes every so often.

I don't think she will find it easy to let go... And I'm sure she will wonder why I'm giving up... I can't be too sure myself either, all that I can say is, my heart is indeed starting to be with another... That other being my work. I enjoy drumming more as days go by... And I ever so often get distracted from her, sad to say she isn't part of it, music... Not the like before... We no longer are in the same band, that has been such since 2 years past, and it did nothing to improve our standings and understandings...

And I say here, I have been broken... I turn on my own word... I have almost decided...

I want to give up.