Most uneventful semseter break yet.

No really, I'm telling you I actually have more active semester breaks in the past.

Ok, cousins are over, we're out for more eats, there is something to do...

But really I want to go meet some old friends, go back to band for a meet up.

I also miss drumming... And it's only been one week.

Dreamt about playing the concert all over again last night. Talk about withdrawal syndrome.

Ah well, more food later. I shall put on weight.

Cherishing roots.

So what has come to be the past month? Basically exams and assessments spread out throughout the whole month. I had a generally good time for the most part of it, if you exclude of course my horribly-done ensemble class, no thanks of course to me for being unable to work under pressure. But if not, it has been really good.

Semester break started 2 days ago, and scumbag brain decided to be extremely inspired to practice when I have nowhere to practice. Watching Tommy Igoe's instructional DVD all over again brought new perspectives to grooving.

Nan Hwa won the recent national symphonic wind band competition. I just got to know Junt came back to help again; I thought our contact with him grew kind of stale. Quote him this time, 'Play with your heart'. I could use that reminder. I look back to where I came from, the military band, renown to be a very technique-based form of a musical ensemble. After turning to the contemporary side, sad to say I subconsciously forgotten my roots.

But then it really isn't that different now I realised. In the end, both suppose to come from the heart. I once again long for my band days...

Technique? I got obsessed with it ever since form 4. Maybe it's time to change perspective.

Routine not-so typical.

Many things are going to happen over the coming weekend and the week that follows. In fact, many unusual things had happened the past week as well. With elections over and all the dirty tricks that angered many, I saw quite a nice unity in the citizens.

My previously routine typical life has already shifted to this not so routine life. Just came home from Nero Fico after a gig by one of my lecturers, and boy was he a beast at the keyboards. Having Latte at night isn't such a good idea, it keeps my mind awake despite a badly weighed-down body, but the gig was really really nice.

Then tomorrow, there's my primary school classmate gathering and I'm quite excited. There's still a number I've yet to meet since 10 years old :D.

Come Sunday, then it'll be the MPO concert presenting music from Harry Potter, and I am going! Excited. :D

Then there's going to be a crazy busy week of practices and assignments. Can't wait to greet the adrenaline rush, and to get over it.

Life is turning out the way I partially imagined. It has been good, and I thank God for it all.

5 years ago

It wasn't too long ago that I recall. The 15 year-old  I was back then reluctantly heading home back to Subang, I was living in Sitiawan at that time.

It was the elections back in 2008, and I was far less interested in the happenings of the event. I knew that politics were a nasty sector to be in, and all men are greedy. That of course was my assumption back then. I had to follow my parents back because they wanted to vote, something they had never done in several years according to my mum. What compelled them to vote that year? I didn't know until I grew older, they saw the need to go back and vote, they sensed something different that year. True enough, they became part of a new step in our political scene, the elections that year saw an increase in the opposition seats being won.

Looking at the news happening around me now, spontaneous is the word to describe it at the very least. What are my views you can ask? Simple, a new government. Be it anything, so long as it's not the old BN, reason being that there has been far too many glaring cases of corruption and arrogance among their ranks in the past.

So I'm just hoping for best in the coming 5 years, that is:

-The yet-to-be fully independent EC gets a full reform to be absolutely independent. Evidently there has been a handicap in the polls today.

-The culprits of said events be brought to justice.

-The foreign ghost voters be dealt with ethically and without violence. I understand many of them haven't the slightest clue of the magnitude their actions had done.

-No violent outburst or riots or any form of provocation happening tomorrow.

-What happens the next few days will not divide us, but unite us as a stronger community of Malaysians.

Curious want.

Listening to Pink Floyd while I write this blog makes me feel kind of like taking a weird road trip to my emotions. I am currently writing with little to no consideration to my thoughts, rather I write just spilling emotions.

What's the feeling of this want? I guess I want to complete certain things in life, and to begin with, certain things by this Thursday, namely my P.I. exams and assignment submissions.

Ah, assignment this time is not so nice to me. Malaysian music history, nice to know, just not so nice when you need to research.

I always space out each time Time reaches its chorus. Probably my favourite piece from this whole tribute, I am now in want for more... And I'm not even playing. Some part of me is actually quite regretful for not auditioning this semester's tribute, truly it is one of te best I've seen...

I am in want... Yet I should not be in want...

"And then one day you find, ten years have got behind you."

 That is one of the most haunting set of lyrics that I've ever heard in my life... Because it's true... And it's happening...

Truly, I doubt I will get.

Helping HELP.

So I got myself into this small (Ok, not that small) gig recently. I'm gonna play drums for a HELP University concert somewhere in late May. The set-list? It mainly consist of pop and rock.

And today was our first meeting as a band, some from my college, some people from HELP, and we had some discussions on arrangements and roles in the band. Practices begin maybe next week, so yeah, late nights a-many.

There was this ex-senior from ICOM in the band as well, now studying in Aswara. Couldn't stop going on about how life changing it is for him since he went there instead of continuing ICOM. And he's not the 1st to tell me how great the guys from Aswara are musically. Call it tempting, but he himself is a testimony I guess. When he was in ICOM, he was not that impressive in his playing, but a quick look at him just now saw a more confident player with prowess I've not seen during my 1st semester. But ah well, I've become attached to ICOM.

So what else? I guess I can say I actually look forward to playing with them.

Recalling this old feeling.

I dislike the position I am in now actually. Familiar as it is, this feeling is one that I wish never occur to me again...

It mocks me, it strangles me, it breaks me and bounds me to the chains of ill thoughts... But I feel the slight delight in such bondage...

Strangely enough I am that masochist I never thought I would be.

Tribute to Classic Rock, that's our college's theme this semester for tribute. What am I doing this round? Video and media team. Duties start tomorrow and I can expect a roller coaster ride of a tribute this semester. And I become a little disappointed by this self-sought long working hours. I actually have a preference to burrow myself in that cramp room up the 3rd floor to do my drumming.

What am I trying to do? Flee and run away from the fact that I am not okay...

From what actually? I am confused as much as dismayed by my decision.

But it is done and decided.

Kiss the girl and make her cry.

It's not your situation, I just need contemplation over you. I'm not so systematic, it's just that I'm an addict  for your love. Just think how long I've known you, it's wrong for me to own you lock and key. It's really not confusing, I'm just the young illusion can't you see. - "Georgy Porgy" by Toto

Funny how events lead up to one another. You see, I've heard this song in the past and came to like it to an extent, then it passed me after some time. But then last Friday, I heard it once again, and it is kind of relevant to my situation.

Jalapeño, a band from my college participated in this battle of the bands competition, and Friday was the semi finals. Being the fellow course mates we are, the whole lot of us went to watch, and it really was a show to behold. I really enjoyed the set list, and the arrangements are joys to the ear. But among it all, Georgy Porgy struck me down the moment I heard it. In all that fun singing along with it, there came a bitter-sweet realisation that the song hauntingly fits into the situation I am going through.

I kissed a girl, and regrettably, I made her cry.

Delusional changes.

Have you ever let a single dream affect your opinions to drastic heights just overnight? I had such a dream... Consecutively for 2 nights, one reinforcing over the other... And well, it's a bad opinion a to say the least...

I just finished a busy day with running around in college after getting involved in a documentary by our "beloved" national broadcasting channel, RTM. In short, it's a programme about music schools in Malaysia, and I am featured in some way or another as the drummer for our college's representative band, featuring an original number by my fellow course-mate Syazmin, although it's re-arranged for our usage. Try catching me on TV yeah, I don't mind if you go and laugh at my awkward interviews, in the awesome Bahasa Melayu. B-)

But to set things aside, all that shooting the whole day has weigh down on me a bit, I am weary, but still blogging, because I feel bothered in some way... There is another round of shooting tomorrow, although I feel heavy in my chest. I want to hint, yet don't want to tell. I believe though, that not many of my old buddies still follow my blog...

Of course another reason for me to stay up so late to write is also in part due to my need to dry my hair... =_=

Why though does this happen? Flowers are short-lived after all right? You can say mine is beginning to wither too.

P.S. If you noticed by now, I changed much of my layout just today. Time to move on to a new phase, perhaps a renewed love for music. I welcome you to read my rhapsody of words.

Lamentations.

No, nothing related to the book from the scriptures. It's me being gradually weary of my task and commitments, all to college and bands... Of course, not to mention a straining, almost dead relationship that I have.

It's the middle of the night now, I'm suppose to wake up early tomorrow, at 7am. Just came home no more than a half hour ago, done recording and the likes with one of my course mate. Waiting for my hair to dry, so I decided that I want to lament, here in this old gold of a blog. I still yearn to revive it. I enjoy the feeling of solitude now, I guess you can say I am not ready for a commitment to another person. It's sad to say in a way, I need to learn from mistakes every so often.

I don't think she will find it easy to let go... And I'm sure she will wonder why I'm giving up... I can't be too sure myself either, all that I can say is, my heart is indeed starting to be with another... That other being my work. I enjoy drumming more as days go by... And I ever so often get distracted from her, sad to say she isn't part of it, music... Not the like before... We no longer are in the same band, that has been such since 2 years past, and it did nothing to improve our standings and understandings...

And I say here, I have been broken... I turn on my own word... I have almost decided...

I want to give up.

Breaking.

I just realised that Bee Gees is a very nice band to listen to should you be in the process of breaking up.

What good does it do? He is better than me, everything that I can't, he can be.

Your present is sitting here staring at me. It writes "Look how they shine", albeit very murkily.

Conflicted? It looks more like decided.

Never thought the day I'd feel this tinge of jealousy and loss of confidence.

When I will look back at this entry 2 years in the future, I'd be embarrassed by it, just like all my other emotional relationship post.

I'm tired.

I like steak.

Fading flame.

The charm of this coastal town still lingers, it does refresh my thought, it pampers my mind so much. Sitiawan, still that mild scent of the sea, the awkward combination of the new and the old. I love it, I really do...

But old charms fade, flames burn out sooner or later, should there be no fuel... Sadly, the fuel here isn't around when I am. Maybe I picked the wrong week to be back... The band is still off to Thailand, 2 days more before they come back. Most of my ex-classmates are in Kampar facing their assignments and course-work. Reality slapped me hard, and I came to realise that this place is just a pale shade of white in this illusive colourless portrait, without the colours of friends and companions to spend time with.

Of course, I won't be feeling left-out once the band is back, and seniors and juniors alike come and gather, even Rachel would be back by then.

But the truth is, this won't be forever. Friends will move away soon, and drift apart sadly... As much I was in denial in the past, I have to face this truth. The charm of Sitiawan is truly in the friends that I have, and they will bring the charm to wherever they go...

Despite it all though, Sitiawan will still be cozy to me, my stay here is still so relaxed, because of this old flavour, this richness; it won't fade away, so long as it ages, just like wine, it matures and becomes more fragrant. I will still come back, as long as the old buildings stand, and when the food's good, I will always find time to be back here.

If you noticed this pattern.

How many people still read my blog? I can't tell, since no one comments these days. But if you do, then  hi, hope you've been well.

I have a bit of trouble sleeping tonight. it's 12 midnight, and I still harbour thoughts from this afternoon's exam. I was quite badly reprimanded this afternoon by one of my lecturers for failing to practicing enough for this round of the exams. Indeed hip-hop and samba weren't my forte, but the words did cut deep.

I also noticed something. I haven't blog up until recently... And this may very well be a sign that my relationship is stumbling. The time I had a writing hiatus was also when I was fresh into the relationship. I see now, she also stopped blogging around the same time...

But did you noticed the pattern recently? We both got back to writing. Of course it may be purely coincidental. Yet I ponder this, it might be that we're drifting apart.

I guess I've gotten carried away with my studies...

But that excuse is one that most people won't question...

Except maybe her.

Making you angry.

I am busy here doing tribute. I get myself immerse in my scope of academic and co-curricular activities because it feels gratifying. And when I am in that mood and zone of work, the thing that sets me on fire to burn is a text from you saying I didn't make time for you. Here's my answer, 24 hours is too little on weekdays in the city. Trust me if I were to be in Kampar, I'd have more time up my sleeves.

There is a time and place for all things to happen under the sun, and that includes dating and courtship. But being so close to finals and tribute, it is a very wrong thing if I don't commit myself to academics and instead, to date.

I opt not to break up because I am content by what you do. So you here are the one who hated me for what I do in the 1st place. I love music, I can share that passion. Unfortunately you retaliate.

The voiceless protest.

It's week what? 13 already of this semester, I'm already pass the halfway mark. Not exactly the pacing I like actually.

Ask me how things are lately? I can give you a hint why I write blog post these days. It's because someone else isn't there listening to me chitter-chatter. Oh well, a voiceless protest, it's the silence that shouts out to me. Unfortunately, I can't heed the request.

Maybe it's that time again, where solitude brings in the necessary redemptive feeling, the glim of healing, ever so little.

Life is harsh towards me, although my distress is so much milder compared to many others. I appreciate the position I am in, it is indeed joyfully harsh, the kind of suffering that brings you good.

Tribute to Bee Gees concert is just 3 weeks away. I look forward to the performance, since one of the earliest of my inspiration was Bee Gees, I knew I had to get myself in it no matter what, and I did manage to. Playing percussions this time around, practices have started, and they run pretty late into the night.

But if not, it is an experience I really value. I actually hope it'll do me much good to be in it.


I ponder this, dark sky above.
Where are the stars? Your clouds hide them.
I ask this, wind of the night.
Why do you move? Your breeze carry my thoughts.

For the things that depart away from me,
Should I feel that I am answerable?
For the situations that happen,
Why do I feel out of control?