Sinful me.

Warning: Religious content.

They say a drastic title is needed sometimes, because with it simplifies the story...

I usually do not write about spirituality because I find myself lacking in knowledge of it...

But with that rash title I had selected, I go on with myself then...

Lust, Idolatry... The 2 deadly sins I am facing... It is simple if you want to understand it simple...
1) I lust.
2)I'm losing my attention toward The Lord...

I tend to take for granted Grace. Men had always taken it too lightly... Sin, then repent. Sin, then repent.

Have I since taken so lightly the cruel death that Christ Jesus had to put up with? Taken for granted that Grace is just like a fruit tree... I pluck it any time I want to...

Indeed, it is hard to live a Christian... I sin and sin and sin... And yet I still embrace it...

I'm starting to think of this post a small prayer of mine... I find it easier to write out thoughts than say it out...

It's always that eternal conflict between earthly dwellings and the search for true oneness with The Lord... Only achievable through Faith... Is mere faith alone enough? Or there is an actual biblical definition of faith that in fact most men fail to follow?

Doubts linger... I succumb to earthly pursuits day by day... I feel the presence of the Holy Spirit fumble inside me day by day... Have not already my heart turned hard, as like the way-side soil, infertile for growth?...

I can only pray for guidance...

Lord have mercy... Amen...

Decisions and determinations.

Back to Putra Heights for now. What did I do today? Went to ICOM for one more inquiry session. Clarified the audition procedures, and application period. So I can say I am pretty relieved for now.

So the audition can be done live or I can opt. to send in a demo tape of me playing. Drum sets, not really my prime, but for Malaysia that's the only outlet for a percussionist in a formal education of music.

Songs I intend to audition with? 3 is required, I only thought of 2. "Young Man Y.M.C.A." and "Goodbye My Love". 3rd song, still undecided.

Deadline is mid-of-June, hopefully I can make it.

So here's my commitment in black and white. I will finish this 3 songs by the end of May and will have them ready for filming by start of June.

A reply to a letter that will never come.

Remind me how many times did I put you in disappointment again? Saying sorry is easy, but to mean it is hard... What does it take to mean it? I take that it means that change should come after the apology...

I may never see that letter of yours come. You burnt it anyway, and regrettably even I think I don't deserve to read that letter. I did intend this reply to be an apology, but would you take it anyway?

I never liked the cold wars between us, thankfully in the past it never did lasted too long anyway. But this time, it feels like you're distancing further and further.

Somehow, among us two, it's you who always have the situations where you get the right to be angry. I envy that sometimes.

Sad? I doubt I deserve to be. Trying to make you feel bad with this reply? Actually deep down in me, I want to... I'm weak of spirit sometimes. I lack initiative, I'm sorry. I already apologized for that many times, not only to you, but to many people. Then again, you'd probably not want to listen.

Nobody said it was easy, but no one ever said it would be this hard. Nevertheless if it takes a burnt letter to save the string between us from burning, so be it. If it doesn't, well I can't do anything.

I know you won't leave, not that easily. If a small matter like this will, I can't say anything, again. Yes avoidance, that's what we all do... Yet you seem to momentarily not taking my presence as existing.

So what's my point in this reply? To say I'm sorry? Partly. I'm not giving up on improving, so that you know. Give me time, and all I ask for is your patience... And then you come texting me when I'm about to finish this letter. "Sweet~"? Yes, sweet indeed.

What do you want from me? I can only keep guessing.

Monday blues in the middle of April.

Driving lessons tomorrow again. Monday blues still affect me even after my schooling days.

Driving? Just like most limb-coordination motor-skills, I pick up really, really slow... I think I gave the instructor last Saturday nightmares.

Just came back from the movies. "Source Code". Nothing too impressive, but for entertainment, it's good, and decent plot satisfying most sci-fi fans.

I don't feel like driving la tomorrow... >< >< ><

But I have to go through this someday.

Looking for an answer... Yet I'm still sitting here alone, waiting for the rabbit to bang its head on a tree so I can get a free meal... Aimless as ever. Hope my next trip back to KL can settle most things...

April come hallucinations.

Running around town, spending time, using up money... I think I'm giving people impressions that I'm living a prodigal life...

Yes, apart from learning to drive, I have absolutely no other valid reasons I should be in Sitiawan... But I felt the need to be here anyway... I'm escaping reality, I want a holiday! I admit. I can't bare facing my home without a solid answer to my future. My heart? Still stuck at band...

Decisions so far? Music performer (drums), piano tuner, audio and sound engineer.

Right, so yes at least I have a list to myself...

But I still keep having hallucinations of myself failing in life... So here right now I wanna slap myself awake by reminding myself the promises of yesteryear...

Failure is the mother of all success, you promised yourself results aren't important; Determination, creativity, perseverance, will power... That was what I promised myself... To have them and proceed with my dreams. Keep it simple...

A shoulder to cry on.

Maybe being a musician wasn't that suited for me after all. Maybe my illusion of an aspiring musician all this years, was nothing but dreams that are too sweet to exist...

Well, I'm at the peak of my dilemma now. Having so many people telling me all the things to consider before making the leap, I only see more and more things that I lack, that I can't seem to achieve...

I think about technical field of music... Yes, the back-up plan... Can never go wrong right? Well, dignity and pride overrides me... I feel, lousy, if I end up just pursuing it for the sake of a job...

Called mum just now, yes even a guy my age needs his mum to talk to. Shared my problems again, insecurities... Separation, makes the heart grow fonder, indeed...

And I felt better. Well everybody needs a shoulder to cry on sometimes.

I worry about my future, my credibility, and my standings in the society, partly because of me, partly because of my family. But also another part would be you... How can I afford to be in love, when I can't even afford to feed myself? Well, maybe our parents can laugh at our relationship now, thinking it cute and part of growing, but when the time comes, I'll be facing questions on how worthy I am to have you beside me... But it is MY worry, you're not the reason, don't blame yourself. Just felt you needed to know... - to my significant other.

Undang test.

Ok, so today I went to the undang test, given that I took 2 weeks with ample of time to prepare, anyone would expect me to score a perfect 50 over 50.

But in truth, I only started studying last night... Rushing to finish the 500 question book, I stopped at 400 because it was too late... -_-

So this morning, one of my institute's drive fetched me to the MyEG centre behind "I DO" bridal studio... And when he dropped me there, he told me I gotta find my own way back. I was like, "What the HECK??"

Went in, registered... Yes I was nervous. It took me about 20 minutes to finish, kind of long compared to many of my friends. With about 10+ unsure answers, I was so freaking worried I'd fail... Took a deep breath, clicked the "Semak Jawapan" button...

"LULUS"

Woooooooohooooooo!!!!!! Yeah baby, 46 out of 50, not a bad score. But the officers told me their system is having error today, so I can only get my license and certificate tomorrow...

SO here I am, gonna drive soon. Wish me luck on the clutch controls, the notorious clutch and hil test... ><

Of the Soul.

When discussing about the matter of the afterlife, different people give different response. Forming perceptions on death is a staggering topic often tabooed and shun upon by many. Some of the mildly religious will scorn and frown upon its mention, while holy men beat their chest with confidence where they are going.

With the current society we live in today where freedom of choice and expression reign, mankind has given up on the significance of religion. With hectic schedules and multiple deadlines to meet every second, the last thing on an average man's mind would be death. This phenomenon comes from the notion that there is nothing too consequential in the life after death. On the basis of science, theories of our origin based on scientific method have stand up and contradicted every living religion there is today. In the past the only hints available to men are the holy books, of origin we all debate until today.

Why then, with the basis of science to disprove the very root of religion, that many still fight till death to stay in their beliefs? With the theory of evolution shaking the very foundations of Judaism, Christianity and Islam, the 3 largest religions in the world, Why man commit their trust unto seemingly untrue beliefs?

By a strand of faith. A weak argument yes, an unexplainable feeling. It's not insanity, it's not dumbness, nor is it gullibility. But come when you understand that soul of yours, it'll make you want to grow closer to that religion, and stay faithful. Why? I can't answer.

Into April this year.

Okay, this post will basically be dedicated to my personal list of to-dos this month of April. But I found my previous list-out style of to-dos rather uninteresting after going back at them few days ago, so I'll do it by paragraphs this time around.

As my personal tradition goes, April is suppose to be the month I go be bald again. But this time, I'm already bald, so I don't have to trim. XD

And for 2008 and 2009, it is the English Drama period. This year, it is my wish to go and watch my school team try and grab the title once again. Sri Tan and Benjamin are participating, with trumpeting as part of it, should be interesting. Ms Lim will be using her initial 2010 script of Cinderella with a twist, probably her most elaborate work yet. Too bad I couldn't act it since 2010 canceled the drama competition, I got the lead role... -_- Well, all the best to them.

I also intend to finish two thirds of my driving lessons by the end of the month, given the time here I have.

I also intend to record 2 out of the 3 audition videos I need for signing up in ICOM... I'll be focusing on set-drumming, 3 songs in my mind. YMCA, Goodbye My Love and maybe Malaguena.

Yup, the things that need doing for the month of April.