Strange how a month can change one’s perspective. I reread the past few postings of mine and can’t help but feel at odds with its mean-spirited tone.
The disappointment is still there, true, yet I feel I’m at last at another stage of moving-on, even if it isn’t true acceptance yet.
I say that it isn’t true acceptance yet because the cost of me being in a happier state-of-mind is that I try my best not to think of you.
Yet there are moments that come by where I do think of you now, and they don’t freeze me up. I just… Sit there to behold it, let it pass. Perhaps that’s progress in of itself.
Another thing that got me thinking is the recent Facebook postings of two friends of mine. You’d know them as well, they broke up a little ahead of us. They both recently took to Facebook to air their dirty laundry. Truth be told, it’s never pleasant to observe, to be told of bad things of one and the other since my own dealings with both were anything but antagonistic.
I can’t help but wonder now… Two things specifically.
Of the first is that I wonder what would you tell people about me now. Would it be an apologetic explanation, or would you pin the fault of our parting to me? Perhaps that’s my current concern, being worried that I gave you any reason at all to feel hurt during and after our time together.
The other is how I’d describe you now… I was pondering about it the whole day today. A month ago I’d be spewing venom had anyone asked me. Yet not today…
I suppose if I had to capture my current thoughts about you, it is this…
You had many things I loved about you, and you still have all those as part of yourself… You’re intelligent, diligent, and you do have a great capacity to care for people, even if you don’t always know how to, that has always been your charm. It’s just that you did a few things to me towards the end of our run that caused this blemish that now hinders the shine of all the lovable aspects of you, to me at least…
I guess that’s how I feel for now… Some level of acceptance, but not quite there still…
With all that said, I actually don’t mind as much if you find happiness apart from me now. I say this for the first time. I don’t think I’ve genuinely felt this way. Now? Even if it’s not a complete release, at least my feelings about your departure, for want of a better way to describe it, feels alright, it feels okay.
And I hope that makes you feel okay too.
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