I... Need... CONFIDENCE!

2 days left before the day we compete... But I just don't feel like I did last year... My confidence is wearing away... I just wanna sit in a room and cry all my frustrations...

But then, I can think positively...

Quoted from Wei Yew: The biggest enemy we face is ourselves.

Yes, I am my own problem.

Gonna practice myself till I can perfect most everything.

Energy~Spirit~Teamwork~!

Everlasting, Surreal, Timeless.

Energy, Spirit, Teamwork. This are the 3 things we find essential through years past.

Each word has a meaning behind it, it has a symbolism that characterises an attitude we must have as a member in the band.

Energy represents all the energy as a whole band we can give out and make together to put up a show.

Spirit represents all the member's spirit to thrive in excellence, to perfect themselves in ways of morale and attitude, skills and prowess.

Teamwork represents the want of working together as a team, to enjoy fellowship with members, to help each other. Old and young discovering things and learning, to have experiences as a whole, and to enjoy everything together.

It was never about winning others, but it ha always been giving oneself opportunity to learn, be a better person, be a better performer, better teacher, better musician, nothing more, nothing less.

This will mark my last year, and possibly my last performance on the 25th of June. And I will say, as the tittle says, an everlasting, surreal and timeless journey of mine in this band, with regrets, but also with fruitful learning experiences, and friendships that last, I pray.

Coins, it has 2 sides, remember.

You feel betrayed, you can feel betrayed... You feel lied upon, you feel like the you are really willingly right. You feel, that in this world, right is right and so fourth right.

But sadly, you are in a world of betrayals. You are in a world of lies, what can you expect.

Not to mention you live in a world of hate.

This is where, as in all, ignorance is best.

If you can ignore, forgive and thus let love come in, you strive...

I pray for you out of stupor. But all the same, I pray for me to understand more about you as well.

Band Camp form 5.

Yes, end of band camp, much to talk about really. And so when was the last time we had our band camp? 2 years ago.

And it began, the morning, usual practices, and a full run-through with that. And soon, lunch.

Next comes the fun part - telematch... But 1st, let me introduce you to the team I was thrown into: 88888, I'm lovin' it, group 8: Members were:
1) Me
2) Siew Loo
3) Li Ying
4) Jin Chen
5) Choo Siew
6) Yang Sern
7) Jessica
8) Forgot who already...

And so, we head out, and got tortured by all our ex-members as always

And soon it was viewing of Prince of Egypt. I wonder how many people actually watched, enjoyed and understand everything the movie showed...

And so nightfall, it was BBQ, and after all that, the mess... clean up...

And then night patrol. Jia Xun went nuts for 3 hours, circulation the hall non-stop...

And the best part is, a lot of them could actually stay up for the whole night without sleeping... I was already near blackout during 3:30am...

And so, thus, here another band camp over. Here we come competition, no jokes.

Always with me.

We're reaching the end of, the intensive training camp we all anticipated. All that has been done, all that has passed, will always be with me in memory.

That can be said to the past memories of my childhood, my teen hood, the band life, school life, family life, I can say, it will all stay with me in memory, always with me.

Such joy in this, that I can keep and treasure all this moments... It has been a long way, a long journey, that I had taken, and as I write this, I am standing at the brink of one chapter of my life, so let me savour every last drop of this sands of time.

And all in all, my greatest wish and joys is for that of my juniors to feel it the same way as I do. Let it be this, the legacy, the memory, the namesake, let it be always with me.

Distress, De-stress - Band and beyond.

Yeah, I thought it would be great and all, band practice.

Not, not so much so. As I saw today myself, end of the 1st day...

Stress, burden, conflict, misunderstanding and all... I wished it were all cleared.

I only can say this to you Jia Xun, if you're reading. I said it once, I'll say it again. In what you are in now, your hatred towards "him" is so great, it's affecting your thinking. You're letting too much of your EQ overcome you. I know it's hard, but life isn't simple, everything is complicated. What has happened is not solely because of one or two individuals, but a myriad of reasons, so all I can say is, sit down, clear your thoughts, really think about all the factors and about yourself. Throwing yourself in to such influx for the sake of "him"? You sure it's worth it? I don't know, you be the judge.

The things I have to face? I hope it will be improvement that I face. But today? There is improvement no doubt, but there were also mistakes that weren't meant to happen. My steps are deteriorating... I wish to overcome that as soon as I can.

So what can I hope tomorrow? More improvement.

End of mid-year exams 2010.

And with much to celebrate the holidays, I will say, it is time for much needed relaxation. And relaxation to me lies in band.

It's nearly time for me to do what I had promised myself to do, the Carol of the Bells is ringing...

Nevertheless, gearing up for band, that's what's on my mind right now. It's all about the competition that is to come. Bad choice? I gonna give my all this year, and have since made a choice, up until the competition ends, I will give my best every time.

People will be talking about "Hey, it's holidays, lighten up!@#". No man, no lightening up man, it's no more I.D.I.O.T. , Let it be known henceforth: Increased Marching Band Effective Concentration Intensity Lifting Exercise, "I.M.B.E.C.I.L.E." in hopes to increase the concept of a perfect marching band, of that of "One band, One sound".

We will go on and improve, and it is my hopes that before I leave this band, I will be part of the redemption.

And so, it begins, I.M.B.E.C.I.L.E. begins...

Flipping through my mind's recordings: Journey to the past - part 3.

The closing chapter of the trilogy in my past. Basically it's just two years back, not too hard to recall.

And so I entered morning session. Waking up at 6:20am due excitement to get back to school. Year 2008 would mark much of my change in attitude, thinking and appearance. I daresay I learnt a lot of valuable lessons back then.

Friendships endure through trials and triumphs, let that statement be true in the future. I had the blessing of strengthening bonds with my pals, along with getting to know a lot more people. School life was blissful. It was PMR that year, yet we felt no pressure. I miss that.

Band life was at its peak. It was my 1st year I competed, a year after Nan Hwa Band remained silent and inactive. I was naive then, thinking that band was a bed of roses, which I will come to realise soon that it is not. Nevertheless, I was in a lucky year. Despite all the form 5's fears that year, along with many of those ex-members, we manage to grab back the title of Perak champion and go on to the national level. Even beyond national level, we went on to international level. What a year, all those experience.

All those smiles and laughter, sweat and tears, even blood. I remembered the time where we form 3 boys went out together for a hair-cut, and soon we were all botak, all that sacrifice in the name of band.

And in school we had an equal amount of crazy things to talk about. I remembered the few weeks before PMR, while those few kiasu people skipped school, we relaxing kakis always came up with crazy games to play since the teachers weren't teaching.

The it came, the end of PMR, where it also mark the departure of our dear friend Jien Win to leave to Australia... Not forgetting he manage to have his passing out... And soon 2009.

Which goes on with the immense pressure of form 4, although it gave me hell academically, it also gave me a haven in friends. Going on with 4SA, I was blessed with 5 classmates from 2008 to be with, that is Jia Xun, Hong Leong, Lianne, Shin Yun and Teck Hooi. Haha, the time of the life we had in form 4, especially Lianne and Shin Yun, always doing crazy stuff.

And band life goes without saying, the start of which is a year I learnt a lot about defeat and failure, and how to cope with it. But let's not forget the wonderful Valentines Day concert, which we can all think back, smile and give a pat behind our back.

And then competition. We got 3rd placing. So what? I ask myself nowadays. But it wasn't like that back then. I was hot and quick to judge, and said a few things I shouldn't have said, but what's done is done, so no point looking back. I learnt the importance of self victory as the real victory that year. And I can say, I was as happy as I can be that night eventually when I realised, we defeated ourselves. And it is true to the saying, arrogance is a man's downfall. Let it be the lesson not just for us, but also for all. And not all is lost, last year's passing out was really a highlight.

And thus, time flies... Right now, I write this post as a form 5 already in the middle of the year. SPM is near, many things are near. Alas, all I can do is pray.

Thus marks the end of my 3 part flashback. And so, I hope you aren't bored to death yet, but I find this post more personal than public, so if you don't understand, it's normal.

Flipping through my mind's recordings: Journey to the past - part 2.

Part 2 of this trilogy to begin with, is actually a very crucial part of my life.

Upper primary. I usually won't be so detailed in that part of my life, but here's the story: My father retired from his company of which he worked a good 30 years because of old-age. Thankfully, he got a job offer from a relative to work in Kangar, Perlis, the very tip of the northern region.

It was a bittersweet move. I was happy I can finally detach from Urban lifestyle. I was going back to nature. Truly the journey to Kangar was one where I gained back my confidence. There, I got good grades (The standard there is low no doubt), had many friends, learned many important things in life. The air was fresh, the waters clean, the mountains so green, it really was like the serene island of Robinson Crusoe.

I will not forget the day where during music lesson, our teacher taught us the song "I have a dream". Truly, after I sang my heart's content, I finally had a dream. I suddenly felt firm grip in my life, a feeling of content and target. It was there I discovered me as who I am.

Then it came to the part where we had to leave again, because of my father's job. It was Ayer Tawar this time. There, I learned basically all about street-wise skills. The neighbourhood isn't exactly friendly, but you'd learn to come by.

There was the time where I had female tendencies. Back there, all the boys were the tough type (or at least in the class I was in). I was again in some way an outcast sometimes. What to do? Mix with the girls. Well, still it's a lesson there I learned

And then comes Nan Hwa, form 1, moved to Sitiawan due to convenience. It was here I met friends, friends that I hope will stay until I die. The 1st day I entered that class, I can frank at this, but I straight away fell for Shin Yun (pardon me, I just had to write this...). And so? Still with my girl-mixing tendencies, we chatted, payed a bit of paper games, bla bla...

And soon, I came to meet Jien Win, our dear friend who now is in Australia. Through him I finally got rid of my "niang" tendencies and mixed with the boys (Finally...). During that time, I also befriended Hong Leong, then timid and soft-spoken, unlike now, boasting a strong confidence and never failing to smile. Jia Xun? We still were aliens to each other. Teck Hooi, good friend too. Lianne? Who's that monkey there at the corner? XD So many others...

We had laughs, joys and everything. I still remember the time we painted the front wall of our classroom. I painted the Saxophone XD, yeah, it was band class. Speaking of which, in band, I too got to know Hai Teng, David, Hing Hock and Swee Kai. Trumpet rulez~ Until I switched to percussion T_T...

Form 2? Had the same amount of fun. Got the opportunity to know more of them classmates. By then I got to know more of the girls which I sort of shy away eventually during the 1st year. And there was Basil and Leon, we 3 the English speaking musketeers in class (Wait, there's still Jien Win...). Yup, those were the days... No pressure, only fun. Got to know Jia Xun a bit by then, and also a lot of other band mates.

That was the crucial part of my life, and it will continue with my maturing in the final instalment of this journey to my past trilogy: Morning secondary up till the recent past.

Disclaimer: Sources come solely from my mind and thoughts, so accuracy is not at the very least reliable. But still, it's a recount.

Flipping through my mind's recordings: Journey to the past - part 1.

It was a blissful morning that came, my 1st day in primary school. It was there, I learn: Nothing... 1st day of school also want to study ah? Goodness me! But education will become the one thing I'll dread from that day onward...

It wasn't a pleasant school life for me during the first 4 years in primary. Think of the life in depression and books, nothing much to look forward to, dead. After school, mum will usually take me to lunch, then back home? Homework, piles of them. Don't do em'? Get canned by teacher. But I somehow always get canned anyway. Then there are the weekends, where mum will bring me to do the weekly shopping in one of the local malls. Yeah. that's KL lifestyle.

Out-of-school activities? I joined Self-defense at one point. Art classes too. Why I didn't pick music? Didn't had the spark for it that time maybe. I remember going to Sunday school regularly at one point. Those were the good days in my spiritual realization.

In the past, I seem to care very little about exam. Thank goodness I do! If not, I'd be insane now, all that pressure. I miss my ignorance and innocence.

And there is that thinking that everyday is bright and joyful... I still yearn that feeling, longing to live in the past. But then I could not ignore that wise saying, Men who live in the past, will be lost in the future.

Will I forget the gluttony and stupidity I had then? No, I too have to acknowledge that I was once a man full of flaw, and still I am. But nevertheless, being awaken from that stupor is a blessing indeed. Not forgetting that I am somewhat an outcast in my own thinking?

That was primary, quite a blur part of my past. The trilogy to be continued: upper primary and lower secondary part of my life.

Disclaimer: Sources come solely from my mind and thoughts, so accuracy is not at the very least reliable. But still, it's a recount.

Vanity, all is vanity.

I remember the time where I said to myself, 'Zongxu, you know all too well looks mean nothing to you, go out, be ugly and be proud of it!' Those were the days where my outer appearance mean nothing but dust to me.

Now? I miss that attitude much. Vanity, it floods me sometimes, as I try hard to control myself. The urge to be vain, to look outstanding among all others, normally appears in our teenage years.

I miss not being vain, such innocence gone. Now I look at myself and say, 'You know you ought to look presentable later...' only to shoot back to myself, 'Disgusting vanity, who cares how you look nowadays? Anyway, the people are more interested on how they themselves look, why matter?'

Alas, I miss being un-vain...

Monochromatic Silence.

Balck and white silence, deafness, blindness...

I feel helpless, moodless, energyless, targetless.

Please... Let the examination period end!!!

ARRGHHH!!!

Maybe may.

Maybe I'll study, study still I get flying scores.

Maybe I'll do more revisions on music, prepare myself for the greater future.

Maybe I'll concentrate in band trainings, competition's just around the corner.

Maybe I'll focus on relationships, focus more on friends and family.

Whatever it is, all is affect by the addiction of computer, so here I pray, please give me the strength this month to fight all temptation.

Post morterm so far.

We have hit the peak ladies and gentlemen.

This is Nan Hwa percussion's update:
Playing wise, tempo is still our drawback. Dynamics are still unpleasant, unclear.
Single stroke and double stroke is not pleasing.
Member attitude so far is improving.
Basic marching is our greatest weakness, need to work on that.
Steps must be clear.

So far that's all to say.

Notes for May.

Life:

• Go and be nice,
• Learn from mistakes
• Accept all praises and consider all criticism
• Don't be a pain in the neck
• Be a good friend

Studies:

• Study everyday a bit from now onwards
• Listen as much in class
• Get the right study attitude

Band:

• Practice to perfection
• Guide the younger ones
• Achieve the right target
• Learn as much as possible