My US endeavour is coming to a halt.
This is my attempt to articulate the reasons that led to this outcome. Though please do understand that my circumstance is layered and multifaceted.
Three possibilities moving forward.
1. I give up
Chief among the reasons to this situation I am facing is financial limitations. Recent events have led me into a tight spot whereby if I continue, I have a very real possibility of living the remainder of my life in debt.
2. I continue the degree after a 2-year break
The two year gap may give enough time to pass and allow for my financial guarantor(s) to stabilise, and I can resume, albeit with the same anxieties pertaining to the debt I'm building up.
3. I continue into masters after a 2-year break
Given that it'll be just a difference of one additional semester when compared to the degree route, this choice would seem preferable in terms of what I attain at the end, speaking from a more pragmatic standpoint.
Reflection
The obvious question to myself then is why I did not consider the masters route in the first place. The truthful answer is, I was afraid. I did not feel confident in my abilities one year ago. That may have changed after experiencing my first year in the US, in addition to the mounting pressures of my debt-ridden existence. In a sense, it feels like if I were to change now, my first year in the US would amount to little more than a very expensive adjustment period.
Honestly, I feel that I am in too deep to back-out, fearing the social fallout (real or imagined) that might ensue. Yes, I am anxious and self-conscious about what people might think of my cessation of this trajectory in life.
The legwork of networking with various music therapists, both in the US and back at home, the countless people I've talked to about how sure I am in making this change...
Well, truthfully I still want this path.
Yet pragmatically, it's costing an arm and a leg.
Even if I do go the masters route, I cannot say with confidence that I will be able to earn back the money in a reasonable time frame o pay off the debt, especially if I am forced to return to Malaysia. Best case scenario is being able to stay back in the US for work, but the odds are against me in that department.
Where do I go from here? I scarce can answer for now.
