Taking on... THE WORLD.

In 2 days time, SPM results will be out. The thought of it scares some, some don't give a damn, some already predicted their results...

Well no matter what results you end up with, you'll continue life with moving on into independence...

So as I make my steps toward braving the world, I changed my blog theme, weee~ XD

But yeah, the world ain't pretty. I got a taste of it in NS, what type of people I'll meet and all.

And so, here I hath cometh!

Volatile is the word.

How are things going in life... I ask myself this every time I try to blog a post. It's been like this recently...

Leaving camp for a week to taste reality wasn't smooth sailing. I could only say that mentality is key to survival in this harsh world...

Trauma out of truth hurts deep and leaves big wounds... I have to say I'm starting to find my feet cold and heart lonesome. Call it a pity party for myself, something I never will have thought of doing 17 years past.

Alas conversations can run volatile. You always leave me wondering what is your true emotion and state when we talk... What is going through your head, I wonder, since you have yet to reply.

Where is life heading for me? I don't have the heart to read through undang, I don't have the heart to find my soul, I don't have the heart to look for a job, heck I don't have a heart to work out my future!

Insanity creeping in... Idleness is a killer... I need instructions, for I lack initiative. I knew of it since camp, and challenged myself to change. Who knew it would be so hard??

Words, can only describe so much of my plight... Somehow everyone has to get through this period in life...

I only dread, for one time in my life, that I'm not with family, believing that now I need them most... I yield in thoughts... Alas, alas...

Self-discovery.

Opening a new chapter in life isn't easy, but I need to move on anyway. Doubts come, fears come, stress comes...

Coming back National Service was small milestone for me. Now I will be spending the next 3 months or so in Sitiawan.

Many of you will question my decision. Let me explain, that the 1st of my priorities is getting my driver's license, which would be many times tougher if done in KL.

Then there's the self-discovery...

After 17 years thinking that I know myself very well, I start to doubt that confidence for one time in my life, that is now... Music, it wasn't always music that I wanted, only recently that I became serious about pursuing in this field.

But I don't feel good enough, I don't feel that I can do it, I doubt, I lose my confidence every time someone ask me just what makes me think that I can handle this career. Performance art isn't easy, and I've yet to reach that standard.

Then there's a technical field in music. I was thinking of finding a job working for Mr. Tan, that was my ideal working field for the next 3 months, hat is IF Mr. Tan has a job to offer... So that's another blur...

There is also my relationship... It's hard to describe this feeling, I'm looking for something and I thought I found it in my partner. Yet I feel a bit dislocated every time we're together, I don't feel myself yet. Love her? Yes. You sure? Yes. What makes you love her? Speechless... I do feel it, yes, but I'm searching for the purpose, that burning passion. So that's another reason I stay.

Self discovery... Leave me in my thoughts then, I'll search my soul and check my purpose.

National Service CNY break, the report.

Soooo. National Service, NS in short. How has that 1 month been?

1st week.
Most boring week. You eat 6 meals a day and the time in between, you sleep. The timetable for that week is something like this:
7:30am Breakfast
10:30am Morning Tea
12:30pm Lunch
4:30pm Evening tea
6:30pm Dinner
10:30 Supper
Everything in between is free time, or rather sleep time. You may ask why all the free time? This is because, during the 1st week, trainees from different places will come and register on different days throughout the week. I'm part of the very "lucky" group of trainees who made it to camp on the very 1st day, and had to endure the remaining empty days...

I was designated to the squadron "Fulchrum" named after our country's Royal Air Force's still in service Mig 29 jet fighter. The other squadrons were "Black Hawk", "Sukhoi" and "Hornet", all named after servicing aircrafts to the Royal Air Force. Our Camp Commandant is a Major of the Air Force, some of our trainers are from TUDM, most are from the army. Now what's unique about this camp is that they don't follow the standard naming of the companies, instead their called squadrons here. "Alpha", "Bravo", "Charlie" and "Delta" dominate the other camps throughout Malaysia, but not this one. Yay for Kem White Resort!

2nd week.
Introduced to the "roll calls", the time when the squads gather in the hall and the leaders take head count of the members in the squad. 1st time doing this, everyone was in a mess. No lines were formed, no sign of basic discipline, no hope for the leaders to take control. It was chaotic... Until we all got it from the instructors... ><>

So when we finally learned the basic roll call procedures, we moved on to learn that there were 5 roll calls a day, that's a lot... The hardest roll call is the morning roll call, at 6:30am, not in the hall, but on the marching field. You're supposed to be in line in attention mode, not flinching nor moving, all when you're half asleep. Right after that, the singing of the national anthem, the NS song, taking the national oath and a brief morning prayer for the Muslims. After all that, it's morning physical training...

We were also introduced to character building classes. I actually enjoyed the lessons, their very good compared to your average moral and civic classes combined, by a tenfold leap to be exact, it's that good. Classes were held in the morning.

Now the hard part was at 2:30pm, when the sun was all out in its glory, we trainees have our basic marching classes in half uniform... No sun block, no long sleeves (for guys), no excuse for not doing (until you faint). March and march until 4:30pm, tea time.

For Wednesdays and Thursdays, it's religious classes at night. I dunno about the Muslims, but for us Chinese, it's 2 choices, Buddhist or Christian (sorry free thinkers, you must pick one). Well happy me, Christian classes are all games and song worship. As for the Buddhist, meditation and moral classes.

So after all this, it's 10:30pm time for supper. After supper, it's the final roll call, and after that, it's national anthem, NS song and night prayer for the Muslims. And we get to go back to dorm at 11pm.. After cleaning up and tidying the dorms, it'd be 11;30pm, that's when we get to sleep.

3rd week.
As we got used to 5 hours of sleep a day, I found out that my squadron is one of the most disorganized bunch... Apparently for this year, the batches' trainees aren't determined by academic achievements anymore. That explains why there is the presence of the social misconduct group in the camp. My squadron happens to home quite a big number of this group of people...

After a series of misadventures with the group, having nearly lose an instructor to another squadron, pissing off nearly all the squadron advisers and having nearly the whole group, even girls alienated... We settled it finally with a finger pointing session. Although it showed the animosity between the members, it in a way settled the differences, cause after that, it was the mass forgiving session!

4th week.
after a tiring 2 weeks of physical and mental trainings, I fell sick, we all fell sick. It's hard to write out everything that's happened in camp. Well at least for the final week, it was really hard to describe. Many things did happened.

Our squad got poorest conduct in the final week, we got last. After putting up with us for 3 weeks being nice and friendly, our instructors did what they call "tukar chanel" or simple switch channel. You lose for the week, then you pay for it. 60 push ups at one go, on a tar road, ouch.

Nevertheless, Chinese New Year was around the corner, so everyone's spirit was still up and running.

And since coming back home, I have never felt so thankful before. So I'll be going Sitiawan tomorrow, it's that time of the year to bai nian again! And going back to camp, I'm expecting it to be harder still, because that's when it really becomes physical and tiring.

Genting trip, new year and 2011 possibilities.

Genting Trip

Genting trip is one thing to remember, at least for me. Waking up early and all excited about it.

And so we went up to the mountain, and outdoor park 1st. I insisted we take the most intense ride as a start, lest it becomes more and more harder to take it when we become shaken by the less a aggressive ones.

And then we were shaken awake by it.

Evening, spent time knowing Rachel better... By drinking coffee and keeping quiet...

And it came, dinner. I rather not mention, really awkward. But somehow I didn't had my usual appetite. Was it because I'm already content, that my stomach is also affected? Amazing.

And we strolled around the highland grounds, enjoying the view, as I enjoyed the company. I like walking around by my own actually, I just don't really get the chance to do so. Cameron Highlands was nice to stroll around actually, speaking of which I noticed I like the highlands.

But having a hand to hold while walking around, looking at nothing, but thinking about many things. I do that too, but I was trying concentrate on feeling your touch.

I don't mind staying out in the cold weather, and believe or not, I enjoy it. But it was a wee bit too cold that night. So I had to snatch some one's jacket... I more importantly I enjoyed the company, I really do.

But it rained and we had to head back. Spent time with the form 5 bunch, and we thought we'd gather at Hui Bao's room, but we decided to take a 1/2 hour rest before going. But before we knew it, the half hour became the whole night...

The next day was routine, almost predictable. Shopping, spend money, eat. Still, it was worthwhile with you.

And the return journey. Nope I never expected you'd bob your head on my shoulder. But then you did, and nope, it's wasn't heavy, I actually felt warmth. O_O Yikes... But it was a first, that feeling of electrical spasm throughout your body. Hug me? Try me.

And so to conclude, the Genting trip was almost exclusively spent with you. But that's how I had expected it to be. :)

New Year eve

I was told first of all that Huah Jiunn has been scouted by Yoi to join Siamyth as a baritonist, with no need for an audition. Huah Jiunn really wants to go, but he wants company. And of all people they think of, they figured I would most likely be the one able to join him along. I'm seriously considering about it, may want to join in as cymbalist, meanwhile learning some battery and pit skills.

Then we move back to new year eve. I'll make it simple: "When the girl in your arms, is the girl in your heart, then you have everything."

Yeah, spent time with Rachel again, only this time, Marina is more crowded, much much more crowded. And I guess I just placed my arm over her a few times throughout? Major electrical spasms within me again.

But yeah, happy new-year, happy 2011, happy to be with you.

And National service will come soon. This blog will be inactive for 3 months. Goodbye for now.

What shall I do at 1760m above sea-level?

Genting trip this Wednesday with the band. Last time this year to hang around with most of my form 5 buddies.

Looking forward to it much, yet all the same am hoping it doesn't come too quickly. What shall I do during that time.

I was thinking of spending time with you, maybe the outdoor park? Although not all too suitable, but trust me, my friends will probably try avoiding me and ask me to go with you instead. But I'll see how it all goes first.

But come night time, ha ha ha. We won't sleep, and I'm bringing coffee to keep me awake. Gonna yumcha with my bunch until the break of dawn. And if the restaurant management chase us out, we gonna go and have hotel gathering, muahahaha.

And soon after, it will be National Service. Gonna build up some stamina and perseverance.

I just hope it goes well, somewhat yearning to meet up soon, really dreading your absence more and more.

Passing out 2010 "乐一晚".

Yes, despite not wanting to face the end, my final performance as a member of the Nan Hwa Marching Band came to an end 2 nights past. I came in the band room with nothing, but I left with so much, it would take me a lifetime to impart that amount of experience to others.

My friends, brothers and sisters in heart. The batch I am with is indeed a blessed one. I marched with them through sun and rain, through sweat and blood. Into unfamiliar places facing a common problem, a common hope, a common dream. I had live it through with them.

And passing out was no different, I had one hope that I believe is the same with the rest. Make music, make it good, and make it memorable.

Videos were shown, although I got the feeling only a handful of people enjoyed it. Nevertheless, seeing the many people acknowledging our dedication and contribution to the band, it was all good enough.

Passing out passed as fast as it came. We went McDonald's to have the post-event celebration. Percussion age-outs were then finally given their present. No easy task to unwrap it all, mine had easily 50 layers of wrapping. Hui Ming and Huei Su's ones are worse, they had cello-tape wrapped around several layers compared to mine, which were all papers, Hui Bao was easiest, just 2 layers. Well, when I finally reached the present, it was a friggin' piece of nougat, and a message telling me my real present is in the car... Well? Nevertheless, it was enjoyable.

And we went to Marina Island at 1. Quiet, cool and serene, good time to sleep. And I walked around and stare at the sea. Many things ran-through my mind, many many things.

And I was about to leave, until you said you're coming, and I waited, and came you did.

We talked, not much. It was a lovely evening actually, and I actually enjoyed the company. But it was a bit awkward. But the moon was really round, real darn round. And my hormones were raging. It didn't felt like me talking, yet it was more like I was talking to myself. Still, a warm hand, a cold hand. A warm heart, a cold heart. Maybe we can pull through.

I'll remember this night, 张韵璇.

Time of the coming of Grace.

Rejoice, be at peace and run around jolly and frolic. Christmas comes around the corner. Passing out comes in 1 day, and I will graduate from the band. Thinking back of my past self, the clueless little boy in form 1, running around the band room with my trumpet in hand... Time comes and goes so quickly.

And rejoice that the coming of Christ happened 2010 years ago, the coming of Grace and Salvation. And that man will rest in his grasp that all sins may be forgiven.

But not to forget death lingers. The sad passing of my neighbour uncle wasn't exactly timely, but ultimately, he fought hard against cancer, and this may be a good thing instead.

Then we come to pass the time when I will leave, not on the 23rd, but the 22nd. Alas I do not stay here longer, but I will come back soon enough. 2011, many the plans I have ado, but we move on.

The time will come where you will realize a passing desire and passion, will just be a passing. And so I will be a passing passion of the band, passing out, here I come. (Another RM50 photo to take...)

More than a word.

I've been through this feeling much too often in the past. Often I'll dismiss it as passing infatuation. I'll say that it is my inner temptation to flirt and seek attention that is masked by this feeling of innocence. It isn't that simple.

I've been through 3 rejected relations, each subsequent one making me feel more insecure in the sense that I'm not being me. Each subsequent one leaves me wondering whether if any one of it were to be serious, will I actually stay on? I was always choked by my thoughts whenever I tried to put them into words, every I time speak to any of them. I changed because I thought I needed to change, when indeed, it is the former me that I truly enjoy being when around them.

And comes you who surprised me so much with that slap of 3 words. Love is too strong a word for now, it's more than a word. But it is this that shaken me so much in a way, daring, unconfined thoughts into words.

And I feel a bit guilty for feeling the same. And yet, it is also this time I feel it may work out. Just give me time, let me get past my old feelings and thoughts.

But for now, it is Christmas, and passing out is my priority, it has always been my priority for year-end since 2008.

Like, not love... Yet.

Justification of curiousity.

It started off with a simple guessing game.

It ended up as a revelation.

How will I tell you what I really feel?

How will this eventually go on?

Frankly it won't last, I know all too well.

Frankly it all is just temporary, it happens every time.

But for love it's worth a try.

But for love many men will die.

Take on me.

Backword.

End of SPM, it brings a lot of meaning to it.

It means the end of my secondary education life. The living ways of that life I knew 5 years ago is fading. Remember the times where even 5 minutes out of the class was like haven as much as it was suicide. The times where I actually was so scared of being reprimanded by the teachers. No more.

It means the departure of many of my friends where for no reason I can just call out their name whenever we meet as if we known each other for 10 years, when in reality we barely know each other. It won't be the same, when we meet a year later, either of us will potentially forget even knowing one another.

Gone is the childish atmosphere, the good ol' I don't care about the world attitude. We are moving into a very dark and dangerous reality... The thought of it is frightening, but life goes on.

And we will finally stand against the test of time, the real deal.

Foreword.

2 days before the notorious Malaysian Certificate of Education examinations. Before I go to the exams, I just want to remind myself with a few words in the update.

1) Whatever done is done, only regret in search of improvements, but not in search of excuses.
2) The end of SPM will only mark the beginning of the harsh realities of life, be prepared.
3) The worst of results from the exam will mean nothing if determination beyond the exams persist.
4) Just do the best I can and enjoy myself.

See you soon once I'm done, SPM end on 14th December, which is also my birthday :D, that day will be double joy for me.

Wish me not luck, but wish us candidates all the best. Update resumes on 14th December.

Minimalism.

12 Days to SPM, can't do much, really there is nothing that can be changed, no actions that will justify my past laze, nor any act to save me from this stupor...

LIES!

Final push, and yet I seek a minimalist approach. And we shall see that from the least I hope, the most I can get from it.

We all have something to proof, all we wait for is mere opportunities.

See you soon SPM.

Searching for Sesame Street.

Sunny days sweeping the clouds away, on my way to where the air is sweet, can you tell me how to get~ how to get to Sesame Street.

We all have that place in our mind, everything is ideal, just the way we feel comfortable with, the days are beautiful and sweet, nothing can go wrong, that Sesame Street, a place where it isn't perfect, yet it is everything we wanted to have.

For me, Nan Hwa is that place, and it isn't perfect, neither is it ideal for everyone. But to me, it means the world to me.

Having graduated so soon, I think back how the 5 years went by so quickly. Facing SPM is becoming more and more numb, for I am at the tip of the iceberg of what will come, grim reality.

So when I am out there fighting for dear life to survive, remind that I have a Sesame Street to look forward to.

Daydreams.

I always like to imagine myself as a reputable composer and arranger in music, majoring is percussive arts and always doing percussion clinics around Malaysia, arranging music for Nan Hwa Band, teaching and guiding battery line...

I also dream that I get 6 As in SPM - The 3 Science subjects; Add. Maths and Modern Maths; and English.

I dream that I live in Sitiawan, going to my favorite coffee shop to eat breakfast and chat with my buddies before going to conduct any new clinics and being hired to compose for the local film industry.

I do dream about Nan Hwa Band being sponsored by:
Pearl - 7 carbonply snares, 5 carbonply tenors, 5 carbonply basses, auxiliary percussion.

Adams - 3 Artist series 4 1/3 octave marimbas, 2 Artist series 3 octave vibraphones, 1 Concert series xylophone, 1 Concert series bells, 4 different sized Revolution timpani set, all equipped with field endurance frame.

Yamaha - 8 YBB 202 tubas, 24 Xeno Series trumpet, 6 YMP-204 mellophones, 6 YHR-302 horns, 8 YBH-301 baritones, 4 YEP-202 marching euphonium.

Yeah, just some random big dreams... Daydreams...