Love Is Sorrow.

Love is sorrow, it is grief,
For what drives a man to his grave?

Lingering are his passions,
to pursue, to slave over, to save.

Love is sorrow, it is pain,
For what else would he gain?

Thunderous sounds surround,
And like hail they fall on him.

Love is sorrow, it is banal,
For what does he hold sway?

Through mud and sand and soil,
He holds fast in this place.

Love is sorrow, it is plain,
For what has he left but his beau?

In distant land far forgotten,
His sword closer to him than her.

Love is sorrow, it is grief,
For what holds a man from his reprieve?

Tasted a sweetness and craved for more.

I was reckless with love;
tasted a sweetness and craved for more.
I was hopeless with hope;
wielded a power that left me sore.

That winding path I thought worthwhile,
has now betrayed me a dead-end;
That seductive edge of the waterfall,
has now drifted me to resent.

To think that I found comfort,
in contradictions I thought profound.
To see now the sure truth,
in paradoxes I now resound.

I was reckless with love;
tasted a sweetness and craved for more.
I now hope with hopefulness;
wielding this power unlike before.

Thought in the late of night.

I'm not one to enjoy the situation; In times like this I abstain.

Love is giving and lust is stealing; With little control I will be disdained.

One day I will receive resolution, known things I shall not taint.

As I taste the fruits of fasting, Joy is there for me to attain.

Lamentations.

No, nothing related to the book from the scriptures. It's me being gradually weary of my task and commitments, all to college and bands... Of course, not to mention a straining, almost dead relationship that I have.

It's the middle of the night now, I'm suppose to wake up early tomorrow, at 7am. Just came home no more than a half hour ago, done recording and the likes with one of my course mate. Waiting for my hair to dry, so I decided that I want to lament, here in this old gold of a blog. I still yearn to revive it. I enjoy the feeling of solitude now, I guess you can say I am not ready for a commitment to another person. It's sad to say in a way, I need to learn from mistakes every so often.

I don't think she will find it easy to let go... And I'm sure she will wonder why I'm giving up... I can't be too sure myself either, all that I can say is, my heart is indeed starting to be with another... That other being my work. I enjoy drumming more as days go by... And I ever so often get distracted from her, sad to say she isn't part of it, music... Not the like before... We no longer are in the same band, that has been such since 2 years past, and it did nothing to improve our standings and understandings...

And I say here, I have been broken... I turn on my own word... I have almost decided...

I want to give up.

Breaking.

I just realised that Bee Gees is a very nice band to listen to should you be in the process of breaking up.

What good does it do? He is better than me, everything that I can't, he can be.

Your present is sitting here staring at me. It writes "Look how they shine", albeit very murkily.

Conflicted? It looks more like decided.

Never thought the day I'd feel this tinge of jealousy and loss of confidence.

When I will look back at this entry 2 years in the future, I'd be embarrassed by it, just like all my other emotional relationship post.

I'm tired.

I like steak.

A reply to a letter that will never come.

Remind me how many times did I put you in disappointment again? Saying sorry is easy, but to mean it is hard... What does it take to mean it? I take that it means that change should come after the apology...

I may never see that letter of yours come. You burnt it anyway, and regrettably even I think I don't deserve to read that letter. I did intend this reply to be an apology, but would you take it anyway?

I never liked the cold wars between us, thankfully in the past it never did lasted too long anyway. But this time, it feels like you're distancing further and further.

Somehow, among us two, it's you who always have the situations where you get the right to be angry. I envy that sometimes.

Sad? I doubt I deserve to be. Trying to make you feel bad with this reply? Actually deep down in me, I want to... I'm weak of spirit sometimes. I lack initiative, I'm sorry. I already apologized for that many times, not only to you, but to many people. Then again, you'd probably not want to listen.

Nobody said it was easy, but no one ever said it would be this hard. Nevertheless if it takes a burnt letter to save the string between us from burning, so be it. If it doesn't, well I can't do anything.

I know you won't leave, not that easily. If a small matter like this will, I can't say anything, again. Yes avoidance, that's what we all do... Yet you seem to momentarily not taking my presence as existing.

So what's my point in this reply? To say I'm sorry? Partly. I'm not giving up on improving, so that you know. Give me time, and all I ask for is your patience... And then you come texting me when I'm about to finish this letter. "Sweet~"? Yes, sweet indeed.

What do you want from me? I can only keep guessing.

Volatile is the word.

How are things going in life... I ask myself this every time I try to blog a post. It's been like this recently...

Leaving camp for a week to taste reality wasn't smooth sailing. I could only say that mentality is key to survival in this harsh world...

Trauma out of truth hurts deep and leaves big wounds... I have to say I'm starting to find my feet cold and heart lonesome. Call it a pity party for myself, something I never will have thought of doing 17 years past.

Alas conversations can run volatile. You always leave me wondering what is your true emotion and state when we talk... What is going through your head, I wonder, since you have yet to reply.

Where is life heading for me? I don't have the heart to read through undang, I don't have the heart to find my soul, I don't have the heart to look for a job, heck I don't have a heart to work out my future!

Insanity creeping in... Idleness is a killer... I need instructions, for I lack initiative. I knew of it since camp, and challenged myself to change. Who knew it would be so hard??

Words, can only describe so much of my plight... Somehow everyone has to get through this period in life...

I only dread, for one time in my life, that I'm not with family, believing that now I need them most... I yield in thoughts... Alas, alas...

Genting trip, new year and 2011 possibilities.

Genting Trip

Genting trip is one thing to remember, at least for me. Waking up early and all excited about it.

And so we went up to the mountain, and outdoor park 1st. I insisted we take the most intense ride as a start, lest it becomes more and more harder to take it when we become shaken by the less a aggressive ones.

And then we were shaken awake by it.

Evening, spent time knowing Rachel better... By drinking coffee and keeping quiet...

And it came, dinner. I rather not mention, really awkward. But somehow I didn't had my usual appetite. Was it because I'm already content, that my stomach is also affected? Amazing.

And we strolled around the highland grounds, enjoying the view, as I enjoyed the company. I like walking around by my own actually, I just don't really get the chance to do so. Cameron Highlands was nice to stroll around actually, speaking of which I noticed I like the highlands.

But having a hand to hold while walking around, looking at nothing, but thinking about many things. I do that too, but I was trying concentrate on feeling your touch.

I don't mind staying out in the cold weather, and believe or not, I enjoy it. But it was a wee bit too cold that night. So I had to snatch some one's jacket... I more importantly I enjoyed the company, I really do.

But it rained and we had to head back. Spent time with the form 5 bunch, and we thought we'd gather at Hui Bao's room, but we decided to take a 1/2 hour rest before going. But before we knew it, the half hour became the whole night...

The next day was routine, almost predictable. Shopping, spend money, eat. Still, it was worthwhile with you.

And the return journey. Nope I never expected you'd bob your head on my shoulder. But then you did, and nope, it's wasn't heavy, I actually felt warmth. O_O Yikes... But it was a first, that feeling of electrical spasm throughout your body. Hug me? Try me.

And so to conclude, the Genting trip was almost exclusively spent with you. But that's how I had expected it to be. :)

New Year eve

I was told first of all that Huah Jiunn has been scouted by Yoi to join Siamyth as a baritonist, with no need for an audition. Huah Jiunn really wants to go, but he wants company. And of all people they think of, they figured I would most likely be the one able to join him along. I'm seriously considering about it, may want to join in as cymbalist, meanwhile learning some battery and pit skills.

Then we move back to new year eve. I'll make it simple: "When the girl in your arms, is the girl in your heart, then you have everything."

Yeah, spent time with Rachel again, only this time, Marina is more crowded, much much more crowded. And I guess I just placed my arm over her a few times throughout? Major electrical spasms within me again.

But yeah, happy new-year, happy 2011, happy to be with you.

And National service will come soon. This blog will be inactive for 3 months. Goodbye for now.

Passing out 2010 "乐一晚".

Yes, despite not wanting to face the end, my final performance as a member of the Nan Hwa Marching Band came to an end 2 nights past. I came in the band room with nothing, but I left with so much, it would take me a lifetime to impart that amount of experience to others.

My friends, brothers and sisters in heart. The batch I am with is indeed a blessed one. I marched with them through sun and rain, through sweat and blood. Into unfamiliar places facing a common problem, a common hope, a common dream. I had live it through with them.

And passing out was no different, I had one hope that I believe is the same with the rest. Make music, make it good, and make it memorable.

Videos were shown, although I got the feeling only a handful of people enjoyed it. Nevertheless, seeing the many people acknowledging our dedication and contribution to the band, it was all good enough.

Passing out passed as fast as it came. We went McDonald's to have the post-event celebration. Percussion age-outs were then finally given their present. No easy task to unwrap it all, mine had easily 50 layers of wrapping. Hui Ming and Huei Su's ones are worse, they had cello-tape wrapped around several layers compared to mine, which were all papers, Hui Bao was easiest, just 2 layers. Well, when I finally reached the present, it was a friggin' piece of nougat, and a message telling me my real present is in the car... Well? Nevertheless, it was enjoyable.

And we went to Marina Island at 1. Quiet, cool and serene, good time to sleep. And I walked around and stare at the sea. Many things ran-through my mind, many many things.

And I was about to leave, until you said you're coming, and I waited, and came you did.

We talked, not much. It was a lovely evening actually, and I actually enjoyed the company. But it was a bit awkward. But the moon was really round, real darn round. And my hormones were raging. It didn't felt like me talking, yet it was more like I was talking to myself. Still, a warm hand, a cold hand. A warm heart, a cold heart. Maybe we can pull through.

I'll remember this night, 张韵璇.

More than a word.

I've been through this feeling much too often in the past. Often I'll dismiss it as passing infatuation. I'll say that it is my inner temptation to flirt and seek attention that is masked by this feeling of innocence. It isn't that simple.

I've been through 3 rejected relations, each subsequent one making me feel more insecure in the sense that I'm not being me. Each subsequent one leaves me wondering whether if any one of it were to be serious, will I actually stay on? I was always choked by my thoughts whenever I tried to put them into words, every I time speak to any of them. I changed because I thought I needed to change, when indeed, it is the former me that I truly enjoy being when around them.

And comes you who surprised me so much with that slap of 3 words. Love is too strong a word for now, it's more than a word. But it is this that shaken me so much in a way, daring, unconfined thoughts into words.

And I feel a bit guilty for feeling the same. And yet, it is also this time I feel it may work out. Just give me time, let me get past my old feelings and thoughts.

But for now, it is Christmas, and passing out is my priority, it has always been my priority for year-end since 2008.

Like, not love... Yet.

Justification of curiousity.

It started off with a simple guessing game.

It ended up as a revelation.

How will I tell you what I really feel?

How will this eventually go on?

Frankly it won't last, I know all too well.

Frankly it all is just temporary, it happens every time.

But for love it's worth a try.

But for love many men will die.

Take on me.

End of mid-year exams 2010.

And with much to celebrate the holidays, I will say, it is time for much needed relaxation. And relaxation to me lies in band.

It's nearly time for me to do what I had promised myself to do, the Carol of the Bells is ringing...

Nevertheless, gearing up for band, that's what's on my mind right now. It's all about the competition that is to come. Bad choice? I gonna give my all this year, and have since made a choice, up until the competition ends, I will give my best every time.

People will be talking about "Hey, it's holidays, lighten up!@#". No man, no lightening up man, it's no more I.D.I.O.T. , Let it be known henceforth: Increased Marching Band Effective Concentration Intensity Lifting Exercise, "I.M.B.E.C.I.L.E." in hopes to increase the concept of a perfect marching band, of that of "One band, One sound".

We will go on and improve, and it is my hopes that before I leave this band, I will be part of the redemption.

And so, it begins, I.M.B.E.C.I.L.E. begins...

How deep is your Love?

Oh my, I'm listening to that song again - "How deep is your Love" by the Bee Gees... I'm in love? Infatuation maybe?

How deep is your love,
I really mean to learn,
cause we're living in a world of fools,
breaking us down,
when they all should let us be,
we belong to you and me

Something in this lyrics that reflect me.

And happy days are here again, great things are happening? Qin Wei's getting married! Yay for him.

Not just that, "Someone" got the boot, for good. Whether it's for the better or for the worse, all I can hope for is as long as peace and balance is achieved, then it's for the greater good.

Hmmm... What else I got to say? Carol of Bells is a nice song.

Emotional Quotient.

My emotion's are dominating my decisions again, overly dependent on feeling my heart rather than thinking rationally.

Yet rationality sometimes is futile... Why my somewhat self-induced misery? Love isn't a game, it's a life commitment! SO no hazardous decisions, I will just remain inactive as I was, I'll let pure fate to take its place without MY intervention.

And then comes worries of studies, time never gives in... But I will do my studies eventually, mark my words yes!

So be such, I will try to do it, give it my best in all.

Cropping down tis' old crown of memory.

Cropping my hair down to near nothing, more than mere aesthetics, more that a ritual, it is a symbol of taking off all the things that hath pass, year 2009.

And in that I too crop down one significant part of me. Do not hate me now, for I had once been so engaged in you. I find that going on was just going into another wall. But if you need be, I'd say sorry.

And so leaves me this other, one that maybe of me in half incarnation?

Yes, mistakes are made, but unless I stop trying, I will eventually find the one that's right.

So embrace I pray, please be it.

It may be so.

You can't joke, not everything.

No man can ever say he lived his life without regret. And so goes without saying, I too.

We've been told countless times, don't act before thinking. But also, man's tendencies is to act before thinking. I have learnt that, but yet, it always will return, impulsiveness...

You can't joke, not everything, not love. So said someone to I, so I will remember, love isn't a joke, not at all.

I shall remember that, thank-you.

Scaborough Fair.

Scarborough Fair, is a song that tells the tale of a young man, who tells the listener to ask his former lover to perform for him a series of impossible tasks, such as making him a shirt without a seam and then washing it in a dry well, adding that if she completes these tasks he will take her back. Often the song is sung as a duet, with the woman then giving her lover a series of equally impossible tasks, promising to give him his seamless shirt once he has finished.



A song of unfortunate and impossible love between two people. Surely the theme and layers of the song are depressing and somewhat sad. But the reassuring tone on the overall is what keeps it uplifting.

The lyrics however, is anything but simple. It is but symbolic and with layers, its meaning different in many people's opinion.

The lyrics, brackets is the duet part:
Are you goin' to Scarborough Fair? Parsley, sage, rosemary, and thyme.
Remember me to one who lives there, she once was a true love of mine.

Tell her to make me a cambric shirt (On the side of a hill in the deep forest green).
Parsley, sage, rosemary, and thyme (Tracing a sparrow on snow-crested ground).
Without no seams nor needlework (Blankets and bedclothes the child of the mountain).
Then she'll be a true love of mine (Sleeps unaware of the clarion call).

Tell her to find me an acre of land (On the side of a hill, a sprinkling of leaves).
Parsley, sage, rosemary, and thyme (Washes the grave with silvery tears).
Between salt water and the sea strands (A soldier cleans and polishes a gun).
Then she'll be a true love of mine.

Tell her to reap it in a sickle of leather (War bellows, blazing in scarlet battalions).
Parsley, sage, rosemary, and thyme (Generals order their soldiers to kill).
And gather it all in a bunch of heather (And to fight for a cause they've long ago forgotten).
Then she'll be a true love of mine.

Are you going to Scarborough Fair? Parsley, sage, rosemary, and thyme.
Remember me to one who lives there, she once was a true love of mine.

Parsley, Sage, Rosemary and Thyme.

Of the herb, I have yet to taste it. But I can tell it is definitely a fragrant herb.

As for he pronounciation, I say Thyme may well be a time in physical existance?

Yes, maybe. But time once again whithers and re-grows without stop. Where does this lead to? Ask me not.

March is tomorrow. This will my last post of February, and what a perfect number of the post to end, 10.

Love last foever, so need I not be worried about that.

With that said, I will move forward with a few points that are random statements with significat relations.

• Be not unregrettable over troubles caused, be you responsible.
• Yet not to love the world, but to love The Lord.
• In lasting existance is your soul, in splinter flame is your body.
• And so ye have made unrest, so ye will be in unrest.
• So be it the destiny that lie ahead, loving is thy heart, corrupt is thy body.
• And so move on shall we be freed from this limbo.
• Physics is fun nevertheless.
• I shall await the Gate of Pearls and Gold.
• So move on the month of March.

There shall be peace to come.

执子之手，与子偕老

击鼓其镗，踊跃用兵。土国城漕，我独南行。

从孙子仲，平陈与宋。不我以归，忧心有忡。

爰居爰处？爰丧其马？于以求之？于林之下。

死生契阔，与子成说。执子之手，与子偕老。

于嗟阔兮，不我活兮。于嗟洵兮，不我信兮。

PS: I've gone insane writting this.

We are called young for a reason.

Sorry to spoil any confidence in the readers, but this is regarding typical subjects, mostly problems faced by us teenagers. What then again am I trying to point out many flaws of the world?

Love - Love! I fail in it? I dare say NO! I am learning to love, and love all, hate none. Then skip to the point of the relationships of courtship. I'm no splashing cold water at you, but about 90% of the male-female relationships that started during early to late teen hood usually ends by college or university. Call me jealous you may, but that's a reason why eventually I gave up my part I may say, because I know it won't last, we are too young to know where our commitment lies.

But in this case, I also truly hope that those who pursue such an experience, I rejoice and laugh along with you, it is truly a moment in life. But cry in rejection I will prepare with you, and so must you. But alas, I yearn not for the future, rather, I want for the moment to slow.

Loving another soul beyond my blood? I must say, not yet!