Now but a memory.

 

So the saying goes, a picture speaks a thousand words. But times like these, I don't seem to agree with the adage.

You can look at a moment in time, frozen and captured for keepsakes. I look at the bliss of this moment, a simple reminder of how it felt to just be able to spend time with family over Chinese New Year.

No contentions, no complications, no conflict of wills, not even a hint of any deep seated anguish. Only smiles, telling all to see this one clear idea: We were glad in that moment.

Perhaps it's for the better that we tend to forget the pain and only remember the good times.

...

I look at my dad's bright smile, and remember a man who by some grace from above had the wisdom to impart important lessons in me since I was a boy. Kindness, compassion, civic duty, filial duty. Care not the grades, care not the ambition, care not the possessions; only care that we be good men. These are the lessons I cherish.

Forget the inconsistencies and the partialities. After all, which man is perfect?

So in spite the pain of the last few months, I will let the decades of joy and laughter wash away these tears. We had a good time, and now I shall hope and await the day we may be united again.

...

Rest well, papa.

Love Is Sorrow.

Love is sorrow, it is grief,
For what drives a man to his grave?

Lingering are his passions,
to pursue, to slave over, to save.

Love is sorrow, it is pain,
For what else would he gain?

Thunderous sounds surround,
And like hail they fall on him.

Love is sorrow, it is banal,
For what does he hold sway?

Through mud and sand and soil,
He holds fast in this place.

Love is sorrow, it is plain,
For what has he left but his beau?

In distant land far forgotten,
His sword closer to him than her.

Love is sorrow, it is grief,
For what holds a man from his reprieve?

The clarion call of sleep; The comfort of an oblique thought.

I wonder, dear friend. You spoke of the fright of sleep, how the mind subjected to a momentary oblivion, is one step away from death.

You valued your lucidity, and you cherished the moments of clarity in your wakefulness.

Now that you have gone past the veil that separates us from a higher reality, I can't help but ask, are you finally comforted on this point? Is death truly that oblivion you imagined, or is it so much more?

I find the waking world tiring, dear friend. I can't relate to your plight, if I were honest. Sleep is a comfort to me, a time where I can turn away from the fright of the waking daylight, and embrace this quiet nothingness.

My mind is dulled, and I can no longer perceive the troubles of my day. Form is fluid, thoughts are hardly there. Is this not bliss?

But I can imagine your chiding from afar... This is naivete, I hear you say. For all that you're doing, you are simply escaping for another day... And for another day you escape still... And it keeps going, and going... And finally when you realise the problem isn't truly gone; that you'd do better to fix it, you can no longer wake up...

Sleep, how enigmatic are you... Are you my friend, or my enemy? I cannot tell.

...

Service

I render this service; I have given,
for grace in likeness to me was shown.

Nay, it's hardly right to count it even,
this life, this strength, this all, not my own.

Lest I fall to pride; to flames be taken,
I flee, take flight, to pastures made known.

Take this then, my life, to Thine hands graven,
wipe every tear; remove every groan.

In such a hope as this, the promised heaven,
till then in service, this seed, be sown.

New keyboard as an excuse to write an update.

 So, as the title suggests, I am back here again with more musings simply because I bought myself a new keyboard.

Actually now that I am typing this out, I see now how mundane and even silly this it. But no matter, since I endeavoured to start this, I shall also finish it.

What new keyboard, you might ask. Well you see, I used to not be picky with my selection. It was either a budget option or a wireless one for convenience, but certainly not one that costed a pretty penny.

But I guess things changed. The membrane type keyboards that dominate the budget range felt more and more inadequate, typing was never really a joy, and the relentless changing of batteries became off-putting over time.

I finally decided on a mechanical keyboard. I decided that along with that, I'd perhaps dedicated a bit of time to finally work on my typing skills. And indeed when I finally came to its possession, typing on it has become a sort of therapy for me. It feels nice to go clicky clacky on it after work, as a way to relax. So much so that I've ventured to finally develop on my typing orthodoxy, since before I have been a 6 finger typist, now I am slowly expanding to the full 8 fingers.

So what else is happening lately? Well the pandemic hasn't quite settled down yet. If anything, the severity of it in this country has only increased. What can I say to this except to bemoan the unfortunate occurrences around me. Healthcare providers are vexed, the less fortunate among us are struggling more and more, people can't seem to hold jobs during this time, businesses are failing, all while people live in fear of the virus.

But I hope for the better, before the dawn is the darkest of twilight, and everything under the sun is a cycle after all.

Here's to a better tomorrow. I wish you, the reader who deigned to follow through to the end of this rambling, a good day.

Every now and then.

Every now and then, I return.
Behold my thoughts, my dread.
Every now and when, I bemoan;
A sorry state, I fret.

Every now and whence my sorrow
rises above all else.
Every sound and sigh I utter
echo my grief like bells.

Ask why, that I should feel like so,
and I just might tell you.
Ask how, that an old wound still hurts,
and I might have no clue.

So come, read this chatter, this rant,
of a hurt from times past.
I saw an old flame pass me swift,
no note of me, alas.

Butterfingers, loose tongues, and absolute cluelessness.

Awkward. Basically awkward.

Awkward in the way I express interest.

How shall proceed? I seem to exist simply as a speck of sand in the vast ocean. How shall I stand out, when what I seek is akin to the pearl on the beach?

Alas, words stumble across my lips, causing a cacophony of sorts as I trip over each syllable unto the abyss of dialogue death.

Would that I could, I'd like more time, more opportunities, more natural occurrences... Just less a sense of needing to induce a happening.

Ah well, one can dream for now, one can hope. 

It's all vapour

Transient, temporal, momentary.
Words to capture that which cannot be captured.
Boundless wind, fleeting time;
Or vapour, as one sage of old inclined.

Such are the mysteries of this life,
that which we all are appointed to live;
Mine end seems far from now?
Nay, such notion is only for the proud.

I know of this one bird,
this dreadful sparrow once lovely.
Her ways upon the wind mystify me,
wings that took her far and long.

Yet now her time has quicken,
days darken, hearts frightened.
She speaks naught, only listens,
Eyes white with tears glistened.

And what wind carries her now?
But the wind of a macabre air.
Or perhaps it's simply vapour,
barely perceptible, yet all agree it's there.

So this is the enigma,
what gain to live as such?
To be at death's door and have all,
only for a moment more.

Such is life under the sun.

An impromptu update to no one.

Dear no one,

How has it been? I have approximately 10 minutes between now and the matters I have to attend to in 10 minutes.

Oh joy, was that a redundancy? No matter, forward I go regardless.

So you know how the pandemic has been wrecking quite the havoc in the past few months? Fortunate me still has job, how about that?

Well, things here in Malaysia seem to be a tense tight-rope walk. One moment and it seems we may fall off, only to sway back into a seemingly balanced position. What a state of mind to be in huh?

Oh, and there's the impending sense of the world descending to utter chaos right? US is a mess, China in duress, EU looks quite stressed, my crush looks cute in a dress... Whoops, there goes a Freudian slip. No matter, forward I go regardless.

So why am I in a whimsical mood, in spite of all the cacophony around me? I can't quite say. Perhaps it's a coping mechanism, or maybe I just like being ironic. One paints me a victim, while the other a douche. Who's to say? Not I, that's for sure.

Anyway, that's about it for now, perhaps we'll chat some time again, but probably not that soon.

Regards,

Zongxu

Tasted a sweetness and craved for more.

I was reckless with love;
tasted a sweetness and craved for more.
I was hopeless with hope;
wielded a power that left me sore.

That winding path I thought worthwhile,
has now betrayed me a dead-end;
That seductive edge of the waterfall,
has now drifted me to resent.

To think that I found comfort,
in contradictions I thought profound.
To see now the sure truth,
in paradoxes I now resound.

I was reckless with love;
tasted a sweetness and craved for more.
I now hope with hopefulness;
wielding this power unlike before.

Reflecting on the decade.

10 years. Just like that, it came and went. And in retrospect, it feels like vanity, all is vanity under the sun.

Now that I've bled that drop of melancholy out, I thought I'd look back at one achievement and one failure of each year in the past decade. This should be interesting.

2010

The good: Representing Malaysia as part of the school band to compete in the Thailand International Marching Band Competition, attaining the position of runner up.

The bad: Mediocre results from SPM, even failing my Chinese paper.

2011

The good: Got accepted into music college

The bad: Got my butt kicked in first semester, couldn't perform well in playing and performances.

2012

The good: Performed in ICS tribute to Bee Gees, bucked up in college quite a bit.

The bad: Struggling through traditional harmony, with mediocre results at the end.

2013

The good: Performed in FrequenC concert by HELP college. First big concert as main drummer

The bad: Ended first relationship, in not the best terms. Also experienced first royal screw-up of a submission for one of the classes, project marks became null.

2014

The good: Experienced first paid gig at Shangri-la, playing jazz. Also stabilised grades in college.

The bad: Starting to drift apart from secondary school friends, can't make it to many meetups.

2015

The good: Graduate with first class honours, became valedictorian of class.

The bad: Started a relationship in-spitr of the red flags.

2016

The good: Got my first full time job, on top of being involved in many recitals that were memorable.

The bad: Wasn't very prudent with maintaining relationships with friends and family due to new relationship.

2017

The good: Year of self-discovery and personal development, due to work stresses.

The bad: Didn't have courage to speak up against injustice in the office.

2018

The good: Made several important and life changing decisions i.e. USA endeavour and career change.

The bad: Ended a long term relationship, inadvertently hurting some people around me in the process.

2019

The good: Experienced growth in the USA, able to process most of the grief from the break up. Also managed to find gainful employment since returning home

The bad: Unable to finish USA endeavour, had to return home.

To think of someone.

Maybe it's overdue, or perhaps it's in its expected season. Anyhow, here I am musing about a thought, a dream, a passing illusion.

The wounds are old now, yet the scars ever present. Days go by and I still experience the brief sting of reliving a memory of one once held dear.

And then last night prevailed a different dream.

A new person, a new face, and flutters in the belly all the same.

Infatuated? Perhaps. Charmed? Very.

Unrequited? I fear so.

Maybe this will lead to eventual disappointment, yet I can't help but feel this to be better than the melancholy of yesteryear. Alas, such dark times scarcely have comparisons.

Anyway, I might very well be somewhat enamoured once again, so uncanny yet so familiar...

I wonder if she feels the same.

Cake alone.

Cake alone, just doesn't feel right.
Where're the conversations between the bites?

Cake alone, simply isn't sound.
All those calories are going to town.

Cake alone, really is quite a chore.
You'll come to loathe that which you once adore.

But alas, my appetite does delight;
My impulses take flight.

Forget the solitude, the bore, the melancholy.
Tonight my taste buds shall be jolly.

Cake alone, so what if it's pitiful?
Well jokes on them, the cake's wonderful.

Amber skies.

Is it melancholy or euphoria?

Honestly, the colour amber exudes ambivalence in such a way that I can never decide if I am hopeful or cynical.

Such was the colour that greeted me, that faithful twilight of my arrival home.

Tanah Air. Earth and water.

A rather poetic way to refer to one's homeland. Mix those two things and you'd get mud.

shades of amber

Alas, what do I make of my return? I know not.

...

Amber skies above me;
What secrets doth belie thee.

Thy colour confounds many,
mine gaze lost as with any.

Oh cast thy taunts aloud,
I shalt yet face thy clout.

For what toll can thee bring?
What torment upon me sting?

To this pain I shalt say none.
In due time, 'twill be all done.

Crossroads.

My US endeavour is coming to a halt.

This is my attempt to articulate the reasons that led to this outcome. Though please do understand that my circumstance is layered and multifaceted.

Three possibilities moving forward.

1. I give up

Chief among the reasons to this situation I am facing is financial limitations. Recent events have led me into a tight spot whereby if I continue, I have a very real possibility of living the remainder of my life in debt.

2. I continue the degree after a 2-year break

The two year gap may give enough time to pass and allow for my financial guarantor(s) to stabilise, and I can resume, albeit with the same anxieties pertaining to the debt I'm building up.

3. I continue into masters after a 2-year break

Given that it'll be just a difference of one additional semester when compared to the degree route, this choice would seem preferable in terms of what I attain at the end, speaking from a more pragmatic standpoint.

Reflection

The obvious question to myself then is why I did not consider the masters route in the first place. The truthful answer is, I was afraid. I did not feel confident in my abilities one year ago. That may have changed after experiencing my first year in the US, in addition to the mounting pressures of my debt-ridden existence. In a sense, it feels like if I were to change now, my first year in the US would amount to little more than a very expensive adjustment period.

Honestly, I feel that I am in too deep to back-out, fearing the social fallout (real or imagined) that might ensue. Yes, I am anxious and self-conscious about what people might think of my cessation of this trajectory in life.

The legwork of networking with various music therapists, both in the US and back at home, the countless people I've talked to about how sure I am in making this change...

Well, truthfully I still want this path.

Yet pragmatically, it's costing an arm and a leg.

Even if I do go the masters route, I cannot say with confidence that I will be able to earn back the money in a reasonable time frame o pay off the debt, especially if I am forced to return to Malaysia. Best case scenario is being able to stay back in the US for work, but the odds are against me in that department.

Where do I go from here? I scarce can answer for now.